Due Process

Shutting down is selfish
watching yourself in your own mind
a psychosis to be sure
Locking yourself away
away from people and plants
thoughts and space
makes sense when you're
looking for the dark
when you're trying to reach a dark
so pitch you lose sense
in a sense this is wrong I guess

You can't close your eyes enough
in a day to make the rays of light
leave you alone (just leave me alone)
Yet I already feel alone
so which do I really want

I spin a cocoon of fat around my waist
so I can't be held close
I'm sick of fake touches
touches that steal
I no longer want that kiss
or to be ravished in some kind of love
which erases any sign of my being
love songs scream lies like death metal
words hidden so you have to leave
yourself to find the meaning

I want due process for my life
I want to begin again like an old man dying
I want to reenter the grave of the womb
and begin after beginning
I want to pull forbidden fruit from a tree
break it open
rip out its seed
and tend it till it's full grown
Then I will take the blame
and truely it will be my fault

Reflections of Rain

I never thought
hand me downs were bad
until my mind opened
and I realized I carry inside me
old thoughts
behaviors and feelings
so worn and outdated
they didn't fit anyone
not anyone who wanted to feel  deeply

I never knew
years behind rose colored glasses
would change the way I see
distorting the image of myself
where is my courage
where is my ability
where is the love
My mind was to help me create a life
not to be folded in half
doubled over
and ripped into so many pieces

What can I do
when years of faulty feelings
kept me locked in a dream
now Im awake
my home is dilapitaed
my cubbards are bare
and I have nothing to give myself

What should I do
I do not know this way
I'm blinded by pure light
after spending years in the dark

The only visions I have
are reflections
reflections in tears
in thoughts
and of rain
all of what I thought I knew
falls and dissappears in the rain

Reach

Into it

I'm going into it 

and I wish I could turn my thoughts

to what it is

I have come close to feeling it

only to have a door slammed in my face

a cosmic joke it seems

a seemingly funny one too

Nothing but dots

I stare at the dark sky

trying to connect the dots

but I keep making Adam

If you saw my eyes today

would they tell you another story 

of what I thought you thought I was

Could I ever re-know you

I'm looking at the roads ahead of me

and I'm about to reach a bend

I cannot untake no matter how far I drive 

I'm looking for a way forward

to knowing what love is and what it means to me

Believer

Could we worship at the knees
of the same kind of love
Can we look into each other
to see people not things
to see the space more than the matter

If we touched again
would it be painful
because there was so much
of something between us
it is still present

I read the runes in the clouds
they say
I would be we
but I have never been good at reading
something about the words
which get in the way

If you could make me anything
you can make know
what I do not know
You could make me a believer
of the things already inside me
You could help me see

Sweetness of Sweat

I lost myself in something
I don't think I can forget

If I could relese myself from it
I could meet you again

Wondering about nothing
I keep meeting you

I don't mean to
I just remember phatoms

Shadows follow me
you aren't in their midst

How did I lose you
Did I love you

Can you kiss me, again
So I can taste the reality

The sweetness of sweat drops from my fingers
Closed eyes don't bring you close enough

Bowed

I kissed your lips this morning
I touched the side of your face
closed my eyes
and reminded myself
of you

I touched your eyes
and prayed you see far
looking into things
bringing smiles and light
to your heart

I touched your lips with mine
and asked for your honesty
I asked for your thoughts
I asked for the things you
are too embarassed to share
they could never change the way I see you

I allow my hair to cover your head
I needed to remind myself
of your protection
I needed to speak my appreciation
I wanted you to know
what I always knew
you love

covering your body
I touched each place
with lips and eyes
I need them to become my friends
I need to know they could hear me
I need them to come forward in you

Holding your hand
I forget the pain of this life
I bowed myself before you
because you are worthy of my love
you are worthy of my praise
and you are every man I could ever want

Prison

Don't let me lay by the side
where the warmth hits the ground
I see the cold and shadow
Look around at the darkness
I lean on it

Darkness lets things grow
it brakes open what is locked
and lets the being be
Don't leave me in the light
it reveals death

Don't let the sunlight rise
where I am not finished growing
it becomes walls windows and doors
Let me be free in the darkness
like a child naked in the summer

These things in me are dying
I wonder what things they hold
ugliness reveals beauty
like seed reveals tree
and becomes flower and fruit
I am ugly
when will the tree in me brake ground

I am locked in this place
I'm learning its dimensions
depth, length, height and time
only show the way
something cosmic is judging
something eternal making measures

Will I be acquitted of this life
and be free to live again

Fame

Stoke it
prod it til the flames rise and fall like heartbeats
keep it breathing
seething and spitting fury
Poke it and watch it rise higher
power and dominion
watch them burn

they look
rubbing hands together
licking lips
like hungry wolves
dark flesh will be devoured
tears flow in fear
they are being stoked

Arms bowed
to receive the sadness
of women crying over babies
men crying over woman they couldn't love
children shaking in fear
they are hungry for a little justice
but she will remain blind

they stand straighter
because they are learning
what broken backs paid for
they will rise and reap
they will reap
all will cry

this is the fame that's won
when lives aren't left to live
when stars fall as angels
and become men of renown

Middle

I've been forced to stand this ground
I didn't chose it
in some ways I don't think I could choose
graffiti on the wall
drawn over words
layered over cuneiform
hieroglyphs and oral stories
I can't see an original thought
just sounds
turning to pictures
morphing into written words
all saying the same thing
from varying depths

I didn't choose this awkward stance
it was handed to me
trying to live in this world
is like dancing off beat to ill-timed music
I have no other choice
I want to dance

nappy hair
not nappy enough
skin that plays tricks and changes
not dark enough to feel proud of deep roots
never light enough to bring an ease to faces like its own
not enough black consciousness
too much white mindedness
and beaten up on both sides
I simmer in an anger I didn't make
and I try to ease it
by telling those who step on my toes
it's okay

they think I'm one of the safe ones
because I smile and speak
the easy way they reach to touch me
or stand too close in line
or the way they keep driving
when I have the right away when crossing the street
they don't know I seethe and watch how they ignore me


The others think I'm lost
because I listen to "that" music
or like "that" guy
or watch "that" movie
how can you ground yourself in quicksand
all the while they are trying to buy their way in
copycats of a culture that holds them by the neck
and they have the nerve to tell me
straighten that, wear this, get that, roll this
but they don't make it
or sell it
am I really the hypocrite here


I am playing a dangerous game of double dutch
the ropes are strung with mean words
I'm like too dark make-up
on too light a face
at my inability to match and blend in anyone's culture
I have impeccable rhythm
but can't seem to jump in without being hit
hit with words that expose my homelessness
I can't seem to find the middle
trying to jump in time with acceptance of myself
in a society with folded arms

Binds that Tie

Eva's hands were tied
when Mother
was pulled off the ship
and for her beauty
traumatised beyond knowing
seized in her fight to survive
and keep the blood of the womb
flowing for generations
she trained her young
in knowing ignorance
hoping they would wake
implanting songs from
other worlds and other lands
in her children's minds as lullabies

Her daughter's hands were tied
when the first master went into a house
shrouded in darkness
she did not give up her ghost
she gave up her mind
and hardened herself
as she was stripped of tatters
and patchwork
she left her tenderness on the ground
to rise in a power foreign to her nature
Her man stood helpless
He could not protect her

Her daughter's daughter hands were tied
the moment freedom rang
and integration was mistaken for assimilation
decadence gained
was ownership lost
and in the end all she came up with
was debt and desire for more things
dress, move, walk and talk like them
and you too will have made it into
the "Dream"
all the breeding back and forth
dark to light
light to dark
created confusions that made
the Mother's tears flow
The goal had been accomplished
her daughters were bound
unable to find the Mother in their land
they could not draw the scent of her footprints
from the soil they stood upon
they could not follow her back home

The line of the blood flowed
weakened
until a daughter was born
who looked back into the eyes of the first Mother
then to the eyes of her children
whose lines could not be drawn straight
lost
this daughter shook the blood in her veins
until it frothed
looking for the reasons her hands were tied
unable to find branches
she followed swirls
unable to pull the truth from her blood
she cried to the heavens

"If there is a God that hears
help me find the binds that tie
tie me to minds that keep me from
calling the earth
tending the sea
healing the sky
and living this life
and if there's not
may my eyes open to all the light
to honor the life I live"

Dreams and Roses

Don't give me roses
Again
I say
don't give me roses
I'd rather you give
a hand when I'm down
a word to lift my spirit
a partner for living
not for my dreams

I can't give
what I don't have
So I won't promise forever
eternity
or always
I will offer my best
but don't hide your worst
and let me do the same

Untangle yourself
from the layers of false patterns
Build me up with words
to feed my strength
and I will offer you praise
fit for a king

Don't try to make me happy
point me to the happy inside me
demand I excavate it
even without you

Don't give me diamonds
They fall as tears from the eyes of our people
Don't give me gold
it was stolen from our land
Give me the diamonds of truth
Give me the gold of peace

I'm awake
don't hypnotize me
with what you think I want
ignoring your own heart

I don't mind dreams
and roses
they are beautiful in stories
they are sufficient for graves

Finish This

Our fingers unlaced
we kissed
and I woke up

I look at myself in the mirror
I recognize the face
not the tears

Twisting unlocked roots
I'm reminded of the shame
in my heart
how these tight coils came to be mine

Strength and mental anguish
minds twisted and controlled
the desire to match sickness
to imitate a deficiency of soul

I wonder what I would have been
freed from visions and thoughts
of my own inferiority
based off a story told one to many times
feeding the depth of mind

Knowing how doesn't mean action
and action doesn't mean it's ever finished
I will take the reigns of my mind
from those who wish to drive me
over death

I want to make a finish
of the work done
long ago
in the line of women I follow
the first broken spirit
the first captured mind

I want to finish this
and bring them back to
their promise
the last shall be first

Hook, Line, and Time

If I could write
these words would not follow a line
they would take up space
in the spaces beyond time
they would break and bend
til they intersected
I would turn these words
bank them
drift them around in minds

If I could write
these words would not
flow in meters
they would not have pauses
they would be the space
in between these words
I would stack them like bricks
making towers of thoughts
into symbols that speak of
veiled faces and hymns

If I could write these words
they would be in a circle
a in be would they
words these write could I if
looping them like lassos
to fit around my waist
so I could carry them
and remember
they are just words
they have no form in eternity
they will lose significance
when the lines fall back on each other
and future becomes present's past

All This Time

Scattered melodies
nothing syncopated
to the timing of my heart
I tried to catch the beat

Where once
rhythm rhymed
constant to a flow
and back beats
broken down by breaks
rolled my hips
I closed my eyes
and listened
not wanting you
to falter in your flow
I let you lead
like intros

The fade in
made my heart sing
something like
fa la
fa la la la
the hook and chorus
captured me
I got caught up in
the bass
as it vibrated under my feet

In a trance
with eyes open
I listened to the
repetition of my echos
the track so deep
my hands over my head
I forgot
the song had to change

Dancing on this floor
life like strobe lights
kept me guessing
what you looked like
when the lights came up
and when they did
the only thing to be seen
was the sweat dripping from my eyelashes

All this time
I thought you were leading
when it was the beat of time
I couldn't catch your beat
I couldn't follow your rhyme
but in here
within my heart
I found the rhythm
for the next dance

Now
there is nothing
for me to do
but let this feeling fade out
and wait
cause this dj
keeps playing my songs

Meet-Up

I hear what you're saying

the words foam up

in my ears

I can't pretend I don't

It's all 

I've wanted to hear

You want me to meet you

somewhere in the middle

where we can take some time

to see the reason why

you think of me

I hear what you're saying

my heart thumps 

in time to the cadence 

of your speech

I can't pretend

It's all 

I've ever wanted to hear

I believe in something

like you

Something like

interlocking fingers

and bashful smiles

The reasons I think of you

When it feels this good

there's no denying

how the voices in your mind 

become one

You have become mine

I hear what you're saying

I hear it all around me

I can't deny

it's all I want to hear

are you just a dream

If I reached out my hand 

would you meet-up

with me

If I asked you

would you stay around

It seems you are all around

it would be nice to meet you

Agreement

Make my eyes
glisten with exotic colors
they will not speak more
they will not be anymore
open
Painted face or natural
the smile will shine as bright
You will see my joy

Let my hair
fall down my back
cut it short
let it wave or make it straight
it will not add value to my heart
it will not show a soul

Let me be eight sizes
smaller
Make your fingers
wrap around my waist
make my skin
something other than
what it is
either way
you touch me I will close my eyes

I am everything
I can be right now
I am all the things
my heart lets me be

But all you see
are images made up
from the fantasies of other men
you nod your head
at anyone who
leans to your wind
leaving me feeling the breeze

One day you will remember
in your mind
I was average
and you wanted extraordinary
I was here
you wanted far away
I loved
you wanted confirmation

Then the agreement
that was made
before creation
will be read
and the verdict will show
there was nothing ordinary
about me

Fiction

I thought you were magic

the way you kept coming in 

and out of my life

what else was I to think

Years have put a tenderness

to my face

and beliefs in my mind

that you would be 

wonderful to hold in my hands

taste with my mouth

Here you are

and I see I may have
underestimated my heart

and leaned on illusions

I thought I saw someone else

in your eyes

You who came in with intentions 

as pure as mine

where did you misstep

where did I 

Where did we fall asleep

Now that we are awake

maybe you see me now

maybe I saw you then

and we just told each other secrets

because nobody else would listen 

Now that someone else

will listen

I will turn my thoughts inside 

and listen to the thoughts

divide them 

fact from fiction

letting the average

be the ending of this story

Tenderness

Hands
I feel hands
creeping around my neck
fingers tapping
instead of squeezing
I'm being reminded
of time

Weak from
breathing too hard
I'm fearing the pressure
against my windpipe
all I feel are taps

I see
snakes in my dreams
how many
are around me
ready to strike
at my ankle


My ears are tortured
From cries
I haven't the heart to sooth
It makes me want to scream
and press the fingers in
why won't they close

I want to leave
I want to close my eyes
and wake
in a place of darkness
but all I feel is tapping

This retched feeling is
all the tenderness of this world
I will receive
I surrender the fear in me
fall forward
but the hands let go

Fruit and Life

It started a little less than a year ago. I opened myself to the wonders of my own heart. I watched it bloom and fruit. Then I watched the fruit fall to the ground. Some how I forgot growth is a process. I stood over the fallen fruit to protect it from the beating heat of the sun. I watched it, as it let go of it's skin, and change slowly into seed. I cried a lot that night. I cried because I longed to taste the fruit. I wanted to peel back the skin with my teeth and allow my tongue to lick the juices. I wanted to feel life flow through me from it's sweetness. I left it to die. I thought if it could yield more fruit, I could savor it in another season, another harvest. So, there I stood night after night, over this seed.

 One morning, I went out to stand over my seed, but it was gone. I heard a bird cawing over my shoulder. I turned to see my seed in it's beak. I cried for terror and shock. Why hadn't I buried it? It was too late. The bird flew away leaving behind nothing to show that I loved that seed. I was ready, but not ready enough. I didn't plant it in the deep darkness. I didn't let it rest and split. Instead, I listened and watch the grass grow around it. I watched the rain touch it, but it never broke. Now, I wish I were that seed. I wish I were the one taken in the beak of the bird. Who knows where it placed the seed. It doesn't matter, because I am not that seed. I am not free. I am only the picture of something promised to the moon and stars. I am only someone with a dream of being carried away to the unknown and left there to nourish the world.

 Til then I lean on the fruit bearing tree.

Wisdom's Fool

Shaking my fists at the sky
tears streaming from my eyes
this was how it was supposed to be
and I should have known

The feeling of home
wrapped in scents of earth
and dust
I lay down the beads of my love
I brake the string
and watch them roll

Only in my dreams
have I ever been wise
or so it seems
my wisdom wears the mask
my soul bears the scars

Weakened over time
I peel layers of burnt skin from my heart
I stood to close
now I must heal

Empty, shallow, hollow words
are all I have left
it's strange how you feel so important
when you think someone sees you
and how empty you feel
when you realize they only saw
what could be used

when all things lose their shine
when they are worn from use
and in that use
have become beloved
to let them go seems easy

But when you are wisdom's fool
you rest in knowing
the only thing real is
the pain being replaced
and watching that pain come true

Reaching out

I'm standing at the end of something, not sure if it's the end.  I'm not sure what it is and I have no one to tell it to.  There's the one who needs to hear the words, but their mind seems to be wrapped in and around somebody else. There's no counsel of sound foundation I can turn to. What can you do when you are reaching out and your hand consistently gets slapped down. What can a heart do when it's trying to find a silent place and it's surrounded by noise and terror?  It does nothing. This is the answer I hear, you do nothing, but let things fall and break and see if anything can be made of the pieces. You watch your thoughts be rearranged into morbid little morsels of twisting pains. You get high off of contrived scenarios where you say everything on your mind, but when the 30 mins are over, you return to the deadness inside.

    If life is funny, I keep missing the punchlines. I keep looking for sanctuary from the falling boulders of my crumbling spirit. I ask the stars for mercy, I dance for rain, and I bleed for sacrifice. Isn't that enough? I'm reaching out for postcards from the inner me. She seems to be on vacation in some sunny spot. She sends me visions of a life that sit's under trees for shade and sips waters that flow deep. I ask her if this is "ours" to which she  replies, "leave your heart on the table as collateral to find out."

Farewell

Funny how things never turn out how you think. I break a little. I break little pieces off myself and hand them over to void. I rest knowing that nothing makes sense inside my mind. I'm weak from the racing memories. They often make me trip over things that matter.

Falling in love is supposed to feel good. It does, but looking up laying on my back, I'm missing visions of things that were to come. Now, what have I fallen into? This is not love. This is a thought gone malignant, spreading like shrapnel.

Separation means we don't really touch each other. Then why are you always here, touching me? Do you feel me? Do you feel me at all? Or am I just enough to fill the spaces in your life? The gaps of quiet you dare not listen to? It's silly of me to ask you this, this isn't real love. This is something in between it.

Stupid me. Foolish, simple, silly me.  I missed you today. I took a vacation from my troubles and missed my appointment with destiny. So, I am roaming around this foreign place called my life. I said I wanted to travel with you, I just thought it would cost something. I guess it did, it cost me a dream.

Whenever "ever"  comes close enough for me to grasp. I will tell it the story of us. I will tell it of the hope and faith that leaked through a heart that couldn't watch itself bleed. I will tell it of the tears you never wiped away. I will tell it of the truth I never heard you speak, but always implied. I hope you are resting deeply when I say farewell. I have never been good at goodbyes.

Future

I have never seen so clearly
like the oracles
watching magic happen
in mundane things

I see conversations
and laughter
I see the glow of cheeks
and the softness of hope
I see love growing

Holding hands
and dinners
sleeping late
and rides through the park
I see it all

Making wishes by candle light
exchanged rings
and having babies
excursions to paradise and beyond
It's all right here

I'm so glad to share
this vision with you
so glad I could
walk you to it's doors

Now, I will walk away
and leave you to your future
It will be wonderful
I can see it

Foolish

All guards down
walls falling
air filled with smoke
I wave the flag

Negotiations failed
a silent war raged
I didn't even know
I had an army

Pushed away from
the face of love
gun drawn
looking like happy

I once thought
I knew something about this
I thought I knew something
that meant that kindness
could be

I have since learned
there is no other time
like the time spent
thinking you have been chosen

This was not an invasion
this was done
just to prove it could be done
the casualties are counted
one foolish woman
with an open heart

To the victor
the spoils

WreckAB's Words: D.U..ET. (a poem by Christopher Lee & Kalonia Jennings

WreckAB's Words: D.U..ET. (a poem by Christopher Lee & Kalonia Jennings

Space

I told him
I don't feel worthy
I let my heart drip like wax
under the heat of my shame

I told him
I don't know
what it feels like
to be enough
I let my heart bleed
like my tears fell

The tenderness in his eyes
heartbreaking
So lost in me
I couldn't see his truth
then he spoke

The distance between us
the way the wind blows
the way you can smell the earth
when it rains

From moonlight
to twinkling stars
Atoms and galaxies
You are the darkness
that holds them together
the openness between them

You are all that I am
You make me possible
you are space to me
the very air I breathe
if that is not worthy
if that is not enough
then nothing is

From Here

Everything looks so big
everything seems so far
looking up
I don't know where I am

Falling farther
seeing the bottom
but my feet never hit the ground

I brace for impact
Plug my ears against the sounds
broken hearts sounds like glass
when they hit life's walls

Somehow I wish I knew how far
how far I need to fall
to find my way from here
to find my way back home

Don't tell me
it's okay
the silver linings tarnished
the lights gone murky
hope has runaway

I want to find my season
even if it's cold
I need to find my place
before I loose control

Control of thinking the sun is coming
that dawn will soon peek through
I thought I held the morning
when I was holding you

Now
I have to find my path
holding hands with memories
Happiness a figment
Sweetness of love a ghost

How did I get from there to here
When will I find my way from here
I need to find my home

Love In Winter

We loved
I mean I loved
I'm not sure what is inside you
words are hidden in you
like seeds under snow
and spring never comes

When you look at me
what do you see
because I'm wondering
if you see me at all

The coldness of winter
doesn't seem hospitable
to love
yet there you were

Maybe I was your mantle
maybe I was meant
to keep you warm until
the summer

I watched spring's rain
wash away my certainty
I watched the wind blow
away my peace

I look back to last Autumn
at the seeds I sown
maybe some have blow away
and landed on fertile ground

I can say I knew love
I can say I remember
but now that summer has come
I wish to forget that love in winter

black licorice and flames

I taste him
in my sleep
I pull him closer
in my mind
until I cannot not bear the distance
I hurt from not having his touch
But I dare not
I dare not speak this out loud
obsessive
I miss him like I taste him
in my sleep

This may not be a twin flame
but he binds me in places
and I want to pursue this
until the end of
the curse of afraid passes
To kiss him
Is to kiss a waterfall
when dying of thirst

I am losing something
but it's not my mind
because he always occupies it
I am falling
but it's not in love
Because there is no place to fall
I'm too high above it
someone pull me down

I have never liked black licorice
and fire burns the careless
But he tastes like something
between sweetness and pain
and my heart burns
while I watch him sleeping
next to me in my dreams
nothing I have ever missed

Without Words

There's a pain inside me

my eyes strain to see through tears

I'm looking at my memories

Seeking the things that make me afraid

Your face flashes across my mind

and sadness wraps itself around my smile

I love you
and that means nothing
in the silence of this room
the sting in my eyes
I know I am reaching for something
but I know I cannot ask
I dare not ask

Weak from the pressure
of carrying the pebbles of feelings
I wait under the idea
that ambiguous words have weight
I'm bending and what for
you are laughing at my silliness
your words have been spoken
and that word is bond

Making up for lost time
I leave my tears on the pillow
I tuck love in my shoes
and I rest my heart on the dresser
it's a better accessory to me there
than in my chest bleeding
while I'm living without words

The Word

You
capture my tongue
mesmerize my mind
make my eye's know
what it's like to taste
you're a visual delicacy

I
take shape
from broken pieces
mended so
the cracks don't show
when heated by love
I reflect beauty

We
move in and out of time
I have spent years
wrapped in seconds
over millenium with you
and I still don't know
what we are

Our
time is slipping away
I still have yet to know you
walking between the flimsy rope
of possibility and potential
what's the point
when the rope is still on the ground

Me
I take myself to the other end
of my mind
where flowers and sunshine
can sink into me
making me beautiful
and I listen for the word
that will make me stay
in my own truth

Ready

I've had enough
and in my resignation
I don't pound my fists
stomp my feet
or ever scream
I lean

I lean into you
into this thing I see
my voice falls silent
my eyes close
and I find you

I find you
feel you then we blend
into one
I don't fight this
I've had enough to this fight
so I seize this moment
as mine

As mine
I release my need to cling
to have to hold
I allow death to part us
Only those things that die
can truly be born again

Born again to love
Somewhere I've misunderstood love
once I thought it was getting
then giving
now being
Being love
foolishness to my mind

My mind needs an alignment
Spirit is already straight
body needs a true leader
and then comes the rest

The rest that comes
at the end of creation
when harvest has ended
and the deep cold comes
I have remained in this cold
for far too long
Here comes the sun
I am ready to spring forth

Tap Out

sweet to my tongue
i miss the way the vein moves
right before you come
and i'm sitting here
wondering if my fingers
seasoned with years of practice
can offer me any satisfaction

see you have
set a precedent
and i'm thinking too much of
the way you feel when you
ease into me
wet unfolding over you
causing smacking noises
and a quickening of the pace

I want you to fuck me
then make it up to me
by sucking out the venom
I want to feel  your hips
turn into waves
crash into me
and when you think I've had enough
show no mercy

I'm normally not like this
but baby there's nothing
like a dick that fits
this may sound base
but I promise you
it's most divine
I just heard an angel say
you were made for me

Now press my legs back
and find what you have been looking for
I can take as much as you give
and if you think I can't
prove me wrong
make me surrender

But if that's not what you're looking for
take your time
cause I want to savor
every thick inch
I want my pussy to lick her lips
and I want you to remember the day
your match met you
Are you ready to tap out

Face to the Sun

Night falls
and I let shadows lay next to me
creatures call to each other
and I wait for the presence to fall

My human natures says
I should
fall, fight, and flee
but with the wisdom of Solomon
I wait

They walk in and out
constantly
seeking the little drink
I have nothing to give
not to the shallow-minded

Quick to withdraw
my heart laughs at me
I cannot pull away from you
as it should be
you are the pulse to my blood

Yesterday
when the sun set
I took memories of things
I have yet to see
tied them to the approaching darkness
and slept

As the sun rose
I opened myself
laid down my life
picked up my spirit
and faced the sun

And there you were
waiting for me
gifting me with time
placing galaxies in my hair

My Wants

To take this feeling
lay you down in it
And see if you could
Find your answers
And your peace

To take these thoughts
And let them roll
Off my tongue
Into your ears
Sink into your heart
And let them manifest
Into action

Im not selfish with you
the world should be witness
To the coming of a king
I stand in awe of you

To take hold of these moments
Living them so fully
I cannot stand to breathe
This is how I love you
Not only you but the warmth of life

I feel the expansion of everything
I ever needed
I feel the crowning of my wants
And I feel the birth
of my love
In a man that knows it's being

My wants are few
And they are dancing in my soul

My Need

He asked me
If I was in love
I said yes
He said prove it
And I inhaled
And exhaled
It's my existence
That proves my love

He asked me
If I was in love
And I said yes
He said prove it
And my soul
Took off its clothes
and stood naked
In the windows
Of my eyes

He asked me
If I was in love
I said yes
And he said
Prove it
So I left him
In freedom
To be
And I waited
Occupied
In the ones most high

I asked him
If he was in love
And there was silence
That's all the proof
I need

Mystery Loves Company

I once told him
in between my silence
that the broken clocks
in me were right
only twice a day

I made sure
I warned him
of the monsters
that hung around my mind
that they were friendly
and they bite

I told him of the love
I failed to retrieve
at the end of rainbows
I just didn't know
what I didn't know
the scariest monsters of all

I scouted all the places
in me
I could find
ready to share them
shine light into them
let them air out

I just didn't know
there were rooms
with names
of unknown things
or I would have warned him
I would have warned
his tender heart

Here's my warning to anyone
leaning on loves wall
waiting to be picked
on the next song

mystery loves company
and it finds a home
in our hearts
it leans to cut-in
right when we are ready
to pull close and embrace
our time

Leave room for the mystery
tell it's story well
or you might find yourself
standing in front of destiny
unprepared

A Natural Tale

Covering me in kisses
I lock invisible arms
around you/
Sunlight becomes your form
and I let fall
the mortal fears that clothe me/
allowing you to expose me
enter me
cover me/
letting the sun rays of your reality
shine all over me
filling secret spots
changing me from inside
out/

The wind/
your fingers
hands and arms/
sliding between locks of hair
caressing soft skin
holding me tight/
causing goosebumps to rise
as only you can/
I want to touch you back
but like liquid wind
I can't touch you
I can only feel you/
I find you
in places my mind can't go/
I follow the wind
back to it's home
back to you

You sing to me
a song of
birds
rustling trees
falling rain
and crashing waves/
the green grass becomes your lap
I lay my head upon/
you sing
and I allow your melody
to lull me to sleep/
I can't get enough of your voice/
Sing my beloved
because it stirs a harmony in me/
I lend my love
to your voice
and new life comes forth

Dusk
the coolness coming
I can't escape you
even in the dark/
I can't contain you in my mind
and I can't feel you enough/
but here you are
again
loving some part of me
I can't see
but I know is real /
All I am is your reflection
and you surround me
with your being
you are a natural tale
I must tell/

Now
lay your head upon the universe
that is my womb/
let me cover you
with the comfort of my darkness
and tell you this story/
a story ending in happily ever after
manifest in a man
after the heart of eternity/

Seasons

Trip and fall
But don't fall backwards
Into the spinning hands
Of time's intimate embrace
Where lunacy exposed
Shows little hands reaching
For cyclic occurrences
Of comfortable
Looking back
Never made so much sense
Where to turn around
Would leave one
Destitute
Misery
company
and all that jazz

Squash the thoughts of
Rising above the
glass menageries
They are sometimes
Too strong to break
Kissing the wind
seems a more
Fruitful pursuit
Than clinging to the unknown
It seems more intelligent
Than turning toward
Silent bullets
Aimed to blind
This thing is like
the seasons
Blending change in
with the false confidence
Of what is to come
Will always bear fruit
Sometimes the tree
Is tired
Sometimes
the harvest is late
And sometimes
Love looks more
like an enemy
Than a friend

The Wind

From what place
did you come
and why have you
shadowed everything
in feeling and cold fire

Where are you from
and how can I
journey to your birthplace
to watch the setting sun

Where are you going
because I feel you
turning every which way
never really seeing

What place
are you seeking
is it rest
from your idle thoughts
do you want to rest in me

Where have you been
I was looking for you
to come in
and rearrange things
much sooner than this

I thought somewhere
I heard you through the willow trees
I thought you brought the
scent of magnolia jasmine and musk
for my hair

Where are you going
is a funny question
to ask of love
for love is like the wind
and I
I lay under it's force
and call it friend

Enough

In the place of the most high
I've found a place for me
Tucked away
in secret places
I have felt infinity

Touching a place within
I seek
and always find
Multitudes of things
Only found inside

Knowing someone
Loving someone
From this place seems wrong
Juxtaposed against
What should be
I find rest

Lover
and beloved
Occupy the same space
Lover and beloved
Are the same
And I soul search
For both in me

I have had enough
Of falling in love
Without the Lover
I have had enough
Of missing the one

Now
You stand within me
And all that can be said is
Welcome home

Consistent

Rain to river
River to sea
Sea to breath
And back again

Tilling to sow
Sowing to grow
Growing to reap
And back again

Connecting to reach
Reaching to touch
Touching to hold
Holding to let go
And back again

Like the sea
Like the harvest
Like love
I am consistent

I am consistent
In my love

Absence

Bent
Almost broken
I take little breaths
of things hanging
Like curtains
Shielding promises
Light
Heats up the inner
and I whisper
At the little things
dancing around
I wish only for love
Without feeling disposable
Wait
Says the pain
Wait and watch me
Transform your heart
Into a fountain
Waters sweet for the thirsty soul
Bitterness
Tenderizes me
Making me think im foul
Making me think
Im unworthy of the best
But it is bitterness
That will make me tender

Girl
Little girl
Sits inside me trembling
Rocking and holding onto
The only person
Always there
Me 

And in the absence
Of they
I hold her
Inside her ache
And wait for her
To burst from the ashes
Hopefully
In time
She, they and I
Will walk somewhere
Under the sun
And the lonely
Of the little girl
Will melt like ice
 In the mouth of a lover

Because of Love

Sitting
twirling my hair around my fingers
I'm thinking of love
I'm thinking of the way
the life in my body
grows
and stretches towards love
I walk and breath it
I talk and dance it

Every inch of my being
anticipates my inner smile
happy is the only way to describe it
and my mind argues the definition
seeks a source
looks for a reason
and none can be found
not  on the outside of me anyway

I can think of a touch
that makes my skin reach
reach for hands unseen
I can taste the sweetness
In the blood of pomegranates
I can look into eyes
longing to be seen
and see

Love could lay down
in each of these things
but it does not
It leaps from my chest
And wraps around
the beloved

It plays
Peek-a-boo
In the mirror
Of the other
Taking turns
Shouting itself
From twinkling eyes
And big smiles

Love
And its sister happiness
Spend so much time
Inside me
I almost forget
they are
I
The I that looks at me.

I almost forget
They are mine
to have and to hold
In richness and in health
For better and for worse
Beyond the time of this life

It's because of love
I can look at
The clouds and rain
And see comfort
I can find restoration

Sadness
becomes a friend
And I can look at you
To see myself
heal the wounds
Of this life's journey
Then set the soul in you
Free for the same

For Goodness Sake

I go deep inside
trying to find
any hint of belief I have
and turn it into knowing
I search within
looking for
those places where worship happens
without proof

I count my blessings
when they are happening
so I won't forget them
when I'm down
And when downs
show up
I count them as my blessings too

I look into the moments
between silence
as fairy tales to be edited
for later use
I take mental paintbrushes
and paint masterpieces
of present, past, and future
all as now

I close my eyes
and ask All That Is
For more of Itself
to manifest in my soul
so that I do not forget
the primal fount

I listen to raindrops
pretend to be wet
My wants pretend to be real
and my needs hide for fear
of pain
Then I set the child loose to ask
I subdue my devil with compassion
and I stand in the equality
of the sky's tears
to become renewed like the trees

I remember
that wholeness
is whole
with no matter
or subtraction
It is a place of
stability

change is unchangeably constant

I stop searching through
the other's eyes
for proof
that I am loved, cared for, and accepted
and I give away
the thing my ego wants
the most

I reach for self's sake
I ask for your sake
and I love
for goodness sake
because where tears fall
there is the greatest joy
and I seek treasures
in the invisible

Love, Need and ...

Was there ever time when
You lost yourself
in words falling from lips
sweet
Waiting for a time when
today would
walk consistent
with dreams
Would you let yourself
hang all out
before the one who could
break something in you
with a single phase

Getting lost
on emotions
destination becomes
habitual places of
wanting without knowing
and knowing
is the only salvation
not knowing them
but yourself

Nodding at all the inconsistencies
of making love
make sense
you favor those times
when it fits into categories of
time
good feelings and want
Isn't it foolish to want
on an empty heart

Loving is a need
like water
and shelter
even if you have to give it to yourself
But when you are loved by that one
you thrive
like cherry blossoms opening for the spring sun

to love
is to need
and to need is to be
to be in connection with the giver
don't spend time
running from yourself
open your arms wide
to the child within
and embrace it
with the infinite

My Best Mistake

When I saw you
Something inside me
broke away from the emptiness
and took flight
I released my doubts to bring it back
but it was long gone

When I laid my hands upon your face
I traveled back in time
and I laid myself in your heart
for today
So that through time
you'd always remember
your touch
It was a touch made just for you

When you're afraid
sometimes you have the courage
to do the one thing
that makes people
shake their heads
and wag their fingers
I feel brave enough
to look foolish loving you

Hearing the inner voice
smile at those words
I feel as if
I am clinking up
the highest point of
the tallest roller coaster
saying " I need you"
and I do
Begins the drop
All I can do is
raise my hands for the ride

Now, you could say
that I am crazy
and silly
and a little selfish
because I don't need you
to ride with me
But if you did
Angels would go giddy
and the heavens would burst into song
"Two more are on their way
 back into the garden"

And I could be wrong
you could turn
flex and run away
You could reject the very heart
I am not placing in your hands
You could take yours
and give it to another
You could laugh

And if you did my love
if you could not
withstand the full force
of a love so true
that it
shakes you to your core
It will be okay
You will have been
My best mistake
and I will love you
always

Wanted

Im holding onto this
It feels like
Pressure in my chest
Heart thumping in my ears
Stomach filled with butterflies

Im pretending
I know I am
I don't want to
But I need to
The horses are a thunderstorm inside me
And im lost while they circle me

Aches are not just for teeth
They have hit me
In this place
And I want to hide
Because my feet are stuck in this
I can't run
But these inner tears
Are creating a soggy mind
And words are surfacing
I did not expect
Words I can't bear to hear
And dare not speak

All I wanted was
The distance between my heart
And my life shortened
for love to travel through
All I wanted was eyes soft
Arms welcome
And a spirit open for the remarkable

Destined

There are those
who never find
the sound of
their inner being calling

They miss the
treasures of tears
and a heart that
moves along an
unfamiliar axis

There are those
who never reach beyond
themselves
Never dare to take
their dreams
and lift them beyond
words


and then there's you

From the moment
you reminded me
there is a promise
in a kiss

I have witnessed
an uncovered being
Whose calling in life
is as assured as
the seashore

In whom
treasures
have formed into omniverses
of talents
That have collided into
one body of life

There's you
in whose body
flow feelings
liquid and deep
emotions
sticky and saturating

You are destined
to follow along
paths uncertain
paths scattered with growing pains

You are destined
to walk in the sight
of stars
to be flung among
your brothers in the skies

You will follow your path
until it has taken you
into the arms of your purpose
I hope only to be a watcher
I wish to be a cheerleader
I want to walk with you
I need to see you shine

You are destined
and I
I want to kiss the cheek of
Spirit for thinking a thought
as beautiful as you

(c) kalonia jennings 3/11/12

Photograph

We are hung from invisible strings
Dripping
From being soaked
in the fluidity of life's energy
Small copies of what it means
For life to show you
What love really is
We shift from
Negatives
Onto blank souls
Of what it could mean
To love anew
Both blurry and slightly
Out of focus
We allow ourselves to be transferred into the dark
Fear creeps in as
Each page of us is
Dipped and saturated
In the power drawing us
Forward to be seen
Each spirit
Naked in the other's eyes
What is to be
seen and named
Are only symbols
Of what is developing
In order
we take turns
Being striped of
All preconceived ideas
Of "what if"
Should be
Sending endless ripples
Across our parts
Creating panoramic
Scenes of endless
possibilities
Like a photograph
We are
sitting in tragedies
Bloody light
Until we gain the
Sharpness and nuances
Of what love will do with us
Until we are brought
Into the light
By eternal hands
Set in our proper frame
And hung in the eyes
Of love's faithless few
As the epitome
Of creations class
on love

The Game

I take one step toward you
and you freeze
but I haven't touched you
not how I really want to
not yet at least

Olly olly
oxen free
that's how I wish to keep you
but you seem to want to
entangle yourself
in the rules of a game
that we both said
do not exist

Love, May I
set you
and myself free
cause we should be laughing
and dancing
and hmm
doing that thing that
makes smiles creep to faces
when we're playing hard

Hide and
come get it
cause I said it
I mean it
I am for you
at least while
you wanna hold it
and touch it
and close your eyes
cause you've already seen it

Spin the bottle
and watch it land on me everytime
cause right now
you know
I see you in a way that
many won't
most can't
and some
will only try

So, I'm going to
make a "T" with my heart
and ask my mind
to take a time out
if you ask
that part of you
that thinks it knows
to stop taking cutting
the line

Then we can trade this game in
for something that looks like
what we know it can
and will be
when we both let our children lead

______ and ____ sitting in a tree
k-i-s-s-i-n-g... first comes love
and nothing else needs to follow
but trusting minds
open hearts
and the courage to be
It

Wide Awake Dreaming

Just because you have convinced yourself
that your heart is broken
it isn't
It can never be
the heart is spirit
and spirit cannot be broken
You can blind it for a lifetime
but you can never take away it's sight

Just because someone says they don't love you
doesn't mean that love has failed you
Love can not fail
Love is the power keeping cells
in their purpose
Cancer is cells doing their own thing
The pain of love
is the mind doing its own thing
Love is of the heart

Just because I write these words
doesn't make a romantic
an emotional female
longing for the fantasy of
a chemical reaction of the brain
I am that chemical reaction
I was birthed through emotion
and romance is what changes
winter into spring
I am a child of the only thing that matters
and I will play content in the room made for me

Just because dreaming seem to happen while you sleep
do not think that being wide awake is not a dream
Dreams make the impossible possible
it takes the power inside
rubs all the variations into juice
squeezes out all the potential
by the cup
then adds only a teaspoon to your waking life

When you look out into the beauty of the day
and they
the they that have your heart and mind
the ones whom you want, love, and need
settle around you
Sip the hot liquid of being wide awake dreaming
smile and let the wings of the bird
outside your window carry it to them on its wings

Wishes

If wishes were real

I would be able to 

look at the sky

and be blinded by light

If wishes were real 

I would be able to 

take my hand

press it to my chest

and feel the drums of Africa

If wishes were real 

I could look myself in the eyes

tell me a truth

that would make me cry

and set me free

If wishes were real

so would be 

my love

I keep thinking 

Silly as it is 

that love is like

a blanket

I can cover myself in

when I am afraid

I keep hoping love is

the Mother

that strokes my hair

and the Father 

that lifts me up high 

til I squeal

I keep wishing

love turns into 

spirit

spirit into flesh

flesh into man

and man into 

my life

If wishes were real

I would hear him calling me

from a far

I would feel his thoughts of me

I would always be in his presence

If wishes were real

You are

I am 

We be

and that would be all the wishes

made on falling stars

Something, Sometimes, Some Place...

Something is happening.

  Doesn't that always sound more threatening than promising? But, I do know something is happening. It's all around ( another cliche` that fits). I know I am not the only one who feels it. I know I'm not the only one looking into its eyes. They say it's the collective awareness changing. I believe that. They also say it's the end of the world as we know it. I believe that, too. I have other beliefs to go with these, but like these, they don't matter. They don't count towards anything until they are put to use. The soul has to make itself known through us, as us, in order for the something to be known. I know my soul has been turned on, simply by the "new" thoughts I am having. The "new" ideas forming from somewhere deep in me, making me live a little more courageously than before. If this is the end of the world, I welcome it. If this is just the end of a world mind set, I welcome that, too. I also wish to usher it in as a baby coming from the womb. Many this baby be healthy.

Sometimes love is.

  Most times it isn't. Love isn't what we think it should be and that's as it should be. Love isn't supposed to have a formula, so why do we waste so much time trying to find one? The answer is out there, but do we need it?  We spend so much time trying to find a way to safely be with another person. When we have to understand, until we have healed, we are never with that other person. When we love from that unhealed place in ourselves, we are loving our shadow. Once we are healed, which means we are able to give freely what we need,  we will begin to see the other person. When we are unhealed, we give what we want, hoping this will trigger in the other person the ability to give back what we are giving. It never works out that way, most people do not need what we do. So, you see, love is not the issue the issue is our  trying to control love instead of letting it control us. It is our soul pushing us when we feel compelled to give that one thing we fear to give. This is the pre-test of love. Will you pass... Will I...

Some place we are free.

  We really are free. We are free as long as we spend more time outside of duality than we do in it. We are free, when feeling good and being happy is not a place to be worshiped and pain becomes a place of peace. Isn't that what we have been taught for eons? Get out of duality. Find the balance by ignoring the ends. Hot freezes and up hits rock bottom. See it, Learn it and Live it.  Be the thing you most want. This is real freedom and soon we will not want freedom, because we will understand freedom is not a place to be. Freedom is our state of being, when we are not choosing a state of being above another. Freedom is our being.

Look Up?

It's bleak inside

I'm not sure 

if I am to blame

or if life has dragged

the us down

Have I told you 

about the lead ballons

Even as they weigh down my hands

my heart soars

even as the tears

collect and settle at the edges of my eyes

I still feel alright

I pitty the fool

in me

I over extend my hands

to make sure they are open

to release 

as well as recieve

I let go

and pray to have the strength 

to walk away

I dare not look back

I fear turning into salt

Silence for right now

is my comfort and my kin

uncertainty is deft at 

cutting the fat feelings

from the lean meat 

of reality

which I shall marinate in a sweet red

A bloody hell seems

to be my purgatory

filled til I'm gurgling and choking in it

What can I say of you

outside of the fact

you are captive of your own heart

and you threw the keys 

to those who don't care

Why look up to heaven

If it is somewhere inside me

I need I directions

because I need.. 

It's that simple

I need 

and only heaven can provide the balm. 

   Sometimes, we treat the ones that are there like the ones that wouldn't be...

My Love, My Life and Music

I told you. I told you so many times my words no longer work. They leak my purpose and bleed my feelings. But, what else do I have? How can I begin to show you these feelings, without words? I could bind them up in something made of my hands. I could find that thing you most want and sacrifice all I have to get it for you. To what end? Will that make you love me? Do you even like me?

 I have spent some time thinking about these words. Like how the right words at the right time seem to float to me on a melody. I can sing it a million times and it never gets old, but does it apply to you? I want to reach out and touch you. Maybe that is the right way to tell you. Can I transform the guarded looks, and the distant temperament into looks of admiration and tenderness. I have and so what? they still do not speak to you.

What about dinner? Could I take your jacket and hang it along side mine? or maybe I could let my hand touch yours as we pick up the same bowl from the floor. What if I had made your bed? Would you know then? Could you tell? My life is made in music. I am singing to you. Have you heard me yet? Or do you block out my voice every chance you get. Are you really as open I think you are?

 I know what I can do. I can take these words and lay them face up on the table. I could go all in and never look back. If I lost it all who cares. At least I played the hand. At least, I had the courage to lift the toilet seat when I was done and take the early morning hours to watch you breathing while you sleep. I want to be safer than a cradle and more sensual than silk on bare, smooth skin. I want to get lost in you, but do you even want me at all?

Searching

I hold you
in my mind
images so real
been holding in my love
so long
I'm ready to find you, love
I'm ready to give you all
that you deserve

I feel my heart is ready
to open wide
to give up all
inhibitions
wanting a lover for life
emptying all the baggage
ready to take the trip with you
you got me
searching

Been on a quest
to feel those deeper things
a love
who knows what I have to give
what's inside
if you're looking for me
i'll find you
there are angels guiding us


To find the
love of a lifetime
you have to keep your heart open
wide
there's too many
who will never
see your sun

To find that one
hearts must yield
even when broken
I want you
in my life
so i'll keep
searching


there's nothing like
finding the love of your life
the one that makes it right
trying to find you
there so many ways
I can show you
what love can do
when I find you, love
there's nothing
my love won't do


all I know
is we got to
keep our hearts open
wide
to make this thing real
we have to keep the faith
and keep looking for the innocence
inside
I'll spend this whole life
by your side
and in the next
for you I will be
searching

Little Time

I running on empty
and what I find
as I slow down is
there was nothing here
in the first place

Shaded windows
are not dark on the outside
they just have a phony finish
is that what I look like to you

Spending so much time
inside my mind
are you going to redecorate
because
by the telling of things
you know more
than I

Who are you
anyway
silly mortals
they lack the fortitude
to deal with my heart
Unfathomable
Is what I told you

I once said
I have kissed enough frogs
to last a lifetime
Now they have all turned to princes
timing IS everything

I just missed that last one
now what
wait
Nah, what I will do now
is walk down the street
and hail my next life time
There's little time in this one

(c) kalonia jennings 12

Searchin' (prod. The Caligraphist) Instrumental

Searchin' (prod. The Caligraphist) Instrumental

Satisfied

There have been times in my life

where I have burned in lust

hungered in love

and ached in the agony of desire

Passion seemed more a 

a plate of food always disappearing

right before it's consumed

But what can I say now

What can I say

when I have begun a walk

though a door
which I never knew was there

In love

I have made the cut

I am one of them

I done the robe of one ready

to be given the secrets

the secrets to life and love

the secrets to the beating heart

and the womb

I have become a neophyte

to this love

In the darkness

along these corridors of the mind 

you and I 

and all of creation share

I am searching walls

taking notes

and enjoying the warmth

in my heart

I find in loving this way

As anyone new to something

old habits die hard

I long to touch you

then i remember 

to close my eyes

and i feel you 

in the depths on me

that's more than any touch can give

I am learning 

satisfaction

I am learning how to love

I am learning how to make love

no

really

I am learning how to make love

and make it in abundance

And maybe after
sometime has passed
I will be able to come back
and show others what love is all about

Until then
I will sit this table
Satisfied
That I no longer have to wait
I can enjoy my love
Right now
If I can take it

(c) kalonia jennings 12

Close to You

I hold a knotted string
trying to gnaw my way through
I will untangle
the sadness
the anger
and the fear

In the waking hours
I see us holding hands
and laughing in that
movie kind of way
Shame it can't all be scripted

I call you darling
you kiss me
softly
Yet
there is no fire
there is no burning
from you

I simply love you

I have spent hours
upon hours with you
I want you to relax
if only to get more
of you inside

Opening this box inside of me
you have quickly become
my favorite treat
loving you
my favorite part of life

Flexing these new muscles
I'm building on the inside
if I look beautiful to you
it's because
you have helped me
set me free

If you have any fears
don't worry
If you have any doubts
of how I have so easily
let you relax back into life
It's cause you love me
and I feel it

Right now
I want to be close to you
I want to
spread the light in your body
with my kiss

Right now
through these words
I take these untangled feelings
and I smile
I close my eyes
to sleep
So I can be close to you


(c) kalonia jennings 12

Illusive

Run as fast as you can
falling in love
may not be the only thing you do

Easily
I break down these thoughts
Not so easy
To brake down the walls

Fist of fury
I fight
first you
then myself
Trying to conquer
these feelings

Ease of mind
Softness of heart
I must penetrate me
In order to create

Visions of love's
grandeur
I scale these mountains
like a pro
Vast vistas
CinemaScope

Touching the sky
Standing on clouds
Walking on water
Unwet by rain

This place inside me
is illusive
I only have to
believe
he's real

(c) kalonia jennings 12

Everyone Else and Me

I used to envy those
who seemed to be self-realized
who seemed to have the
innate ability to
make life show up
for them

I used to envy those
who seemed to
lift themselves
up from blueprints
build themselves
and cut the ribbon
after the opening
I have always wanted to know
What would it feel like
to BE a grand opening

I thought
If somehow I could be
THAT
if I could just finish
this one thing
If only I could
rise to the occasion
in my own mind
I would be
more than this

Now I see
I wasn't meant to play that role
I can only get as close to
the rabbit whole
as the gate of my mind
will let me
I can't take knowing
that I may not ever
see a finish line
right at the start

everyone else
seems to have the ability
to show up
Like they are the party
I am like the one
sitting at home
twirling the invitation
It was a bring your own life
anyways
Last minute BE-ing
was never my thing

Who am I
to think I can change
I'm right you know
Who am I
but this woman
who thinks too much
and does too little
Who am I to think
I can demolish the destructive
cycles
I'm just a girl

Let's pretend for awhile
that I could
actually live the life
I want to
In my heart
I would still know
It's everyone else
and me

(c) kalonia jennings 12

The Only Company

Silly me
foolish you
we were thinking
and it became too much
I became neurotic
and you
an exaggerated freak
of your former self
What happened to
us

Listen
I never meant to
make you think
that I am as stupid
as I am vulnerable
and I wished
you didn't dance like that
side-stepping truth
now let's promenade

I pretended to be
and you pretended to notice
it was a pretty good game
until I called your bluff
Vacant eyes
see more than you
could ever know

Sit down
and stop pacing the floor
it will only deepen the thoughts
I have spent many years with you
you who love to make me
look as silly as
you are a fool
Now I will relax
in this silly foolishness
its seems to be
the only company
I can keep these days

(c) kalonia jennings 12

Just a Touch

Today is a black day

not because it's bad

or evil

but because today
I feel "without"

I feel it 

in my sinews

and in my toes

It's like a shovel

has scooped out 

any feeling of connection 

Is this what happens 

when you get too close

to the divine in your heart

you get poured out 

and turned upside down 

to dry

Today 

I feel like

there is rubble

inside me

solid masses

of scar tissue and words

scratching to get out

Aliens

Is this what a thief feels like

after the last of the money is spent

Is this what a murderer feels like

when remorse hits

I hope not

Cause not even they 

should be cursed to feel this way

I look up to the heaven

behind my closed eyes

and I weep for the ignorance 

foaming up inside me

I sob for the fear

lurking in the corner

and the lack of follow through

leaning over the fence 

about to fall

I will not warn it this time

Right now

my hands are lights

lights pulsing

bright then dim

reaching out

around the debris

and the holes of

my heart and soul

They 

for they are legion

are reaching out

for just a touch

of oneness

an idea

gathered in the faith 

of love's possibility

and the assurance

that one day

it will fill me

(c) kalonia jennings 12

Three

Tomorrow I will

because I must follow this through

even with the explosions in my chest

Who can hide from this

thing that comes around 

like hula-hoops on waists

shoop-shoop

Here is my mind

what use is it

when I am standing

on water

please don't misunderstand

I thought I knew nothing

now I am sure of it

I am sure 

you

and that's all I am sure of

there's a you

enigma 

to the fourth power

I twiddle the thumbs

of my own life

anticipate things

that don't matter

and forget to tie my shoes

What can I do but surrender 

I can allow tears to fall

then trace the lines

of the smile in my own eyes

(c) kalonia jennings 12

In the Morning

Twenty feet away

and I am 

holding onto myself 

for want of 

being held

There is a void somewhere

inside of me

uncomfortable

but okay

I wait for the morning

Reaching 

unsure for what

the light is vapor

on this side

But I know

Pieces of me 

hang around

I am so afraid

of the kind of storage

Through to the end

I stand

Touching space

knowing it holds everything

even you

I do not wish 

to be filled 

I only wish to remain

a part of the movement

toward light

when the morning comes

(c) kalonia jennings 12

Tricky

This thing I have for you
Not too many understand
My devotion to loving you
Is unparalleled
Like a child to its parent
I can't help but
wanting to be held in you

This thing I have for you
Is dense and deep
I can sink myself in another
and get straight to you
I am loving you
when I love the one
I am with

This thing I have for you
It's what beats my heart
I bleed and breathe
my love for you
My body cries out
for your touch
My whole being
calls out only for you

This thing I have for you
in me
I find makes the sweetest kiss
bitter
next to a thought of you
all other thoughts turn to ash
Didn't I say I was devoted
I am
I am in love with you

If I could not walk
my days with you
I would be a traveler
with no where to go
without you
there could be no home
You make comfort
possible

I would open all of me for you
even in my fear
I would stand and face a million arrows
they only lead me back to you
You are my most beloved
and I want to be lost in you

Yet here I am
lost in doubt
cringing in fear
hiding in shame
clothed in guilt
glutted off my mind
lustful with my heart
unable to forgive
myself

But you are still here
loving me through moon light
and laying yourself under my feet
through the falling leaves
The sound of water dripping
is a reminder of all you are
I lift my heart
mind
and soul
to only you

Tricky
it is to have a love
that is both your creator
and your lover
it's tricky
to have my spirit
enclosed in flesh
in order to know
the unknowable
and to meet the only one
that never leaves me

Yet here I am
making supplications
to the very being of my existence
You will always be my first love
Because you first loved me
take these feeble words
as an offering of my devotion
Until I meet you again through his eyes

(c) kalonia jennings 12

Wings

When you came

You knew what you were going to do

You knew what you were going to be

I had no idea

I had no idea the test would come so soon

Dreams have a funny way of showing up

when you least expect them

and you can't recognize them

Good thing 

I have something

on the inside 

that makes it impossible to miss

those people that I need to meet

Take your time in my life

I want you for a long time

I want to have you 

in all the ways 

this life will allow

I can't pretend

you don't cause 

the old things inside me

to suffocate

What do you want

What do you want from my heart

I wish I could spend time's time

with you

that's how special you are

I wish I had seconds

that stretched into miles

I just wouldn't know what to say

I wouldn't know how to spend 

so much time with you

I am an artist

and I created a blueprint of myself

You are the masterpiece

chiseled from my pain and my faith

Excuse me 

beloved

excuse me while I 

curl up in my heart

and let you spin the picture 

Excuse me while 

my spirit talks to yours

and my words become

nonsense and folly

This is me 

opened out

All of my sadness

hangs around 

it's curious about you

and why it wants hug you

all the happiness in me

dances for you

If I had the time

and no need for words

I would spend that time

writing

and watching you

build your life

If I could 

I would take the love I have inside

mold it into wings

and place them on you

And watch you 

as you use my love to leave the ground

(c) kalonia jennings 12

Journey

Take your hands
place them
here on my inner thighs
and push outward
until all of me
is naked and not ashamed

Place the tip of your tongue
right there
and lick the spot
you just left throbbing
touch it softly
and it will do tricks
Do not be surprised
at the wet
My moans have become incense
in the ears of Elohim
and they have sent a deluge
for my rain dance
The Mother is pleased

Enter me
while looking me in the eyes
Do not forget this face
Do not forget the way
my head tilted back
causing my eyes to become slivers
Keep your eyes fixed
and watch
the way I look when we opened the gate
the burning sword
has moved aside
The angels beckon us to enter
They are standing in the windows
of my eyes
Don't turn away

Kiss me deeply
the wetness on your chin
the smell on your lips
the touch of your hands
as you hold my face
intoxicating
You are the thrown
I sit proudly upon
The serpents rise to cover our heads
I cannot pull you closer to my body
I can't get you deeper inside

My arms wrapped around your shoulders
I am your mantle
My legs around your waste
I am your covering
chest to chest
face to face
I rock
I rock to release us
Kissing you deeper
Breathing slowly
We walk in

From here my beloved
I can not tell the way
but your hand feels precious
on the small of my back
Hmm
What did you say my love
Ah yes
the fruit on that tree
does look delicious
Pick one for us
so that we may filled
and begin this journey
eternal

(c) kalonia jennings 12

Captivate Me

Captivate me
and lead me through places
I want to go
but never thought possible
catch me up in visuals
of past lives
and the infinitude of stars
then slam me down
back into this world
with your hugs and kisses

You and I
are on a visions quest
I always thought I had to do this alone
but here you are every step of the way
My three eyes peeking
at the horizon
Never have I seen anything more beautiful then your face
To look directly into both
for long periods of time
would mean death
death of the idea that
God does not grant wishes

Captivate me
you being
who so easily
walks into my life
and walks out
but never leaves
I love the slimy trails
you leave all over my soul
It is the golden thread
that leads me back
to my own heart
to slay the demigod set against
my love remaining free

I am captivated by you
I make time in my day
to find you in my dreams
and then I try to find you when I awake
You are amazing
the way you have captivated me
Such the beloved
Kiss me quick
while my mind is closed
So I can feel you
in the spirit of my soul

(c) kalonia jennings 12