Everyone Else and Me

I used to envy those
who seemed to be self-realized
who seemed to have the
innate ability to
make life show up
for them

I used to envy those
who seemed to
lift themselves
up from blueprints
build themselves
and cut the ribbon
after the opening
I have always wanted to know
What would it feel like
to BE a grand opening

I thought
If somehow I could be
THAT
if I could just finish
this one thing
If only I could
rise to the occasion
in my own mind
I would be
more than this

Now I see
I wasn't meant to play that role
I can only get as close to
the rabbit whole
as the gate of my mind
will let me
I can't take knowing
that I may not ever
see a finish line
right at the start

everyone else
seems to have the ability
to show up
Like they are the party
I am like the one
sitting at home
twirling the invitation
It was a bring your own life
anyways
Last minute BE-ing
was never my thing

Who am I
to think I can change
I'm right you know
Who am I
but this woman
who thinks too much
and does too little
Who am I to think
I can demolish the destructive
cycles
I'm just a girl

Let's pretend for awhile
that I could
actually live the life
I want to
In my heart
I would still know
It's everyone else
and me

(c) kalonia jennings 12