The Rush

I feel you
As sure as I know
I can feel
I feel you
There have been
many times
like these
where I have
let you lay your head on my breast
and watched
as you
lick,
suck, and bite at the hardness of my nipples
bringing them together
so unselfishly attending to them at the same time

I can feel you
as sure as I am
sitting here
closing my eyes
I can feel your weight on my chest
and your breath arch its way behind my left ear
you are speaking
but all I can do is feel
I feel strings being drawn up from inside me
and tied to those in you
What are you doing to me

I feel you
as sure as I am
of the throbbing
that is subsiding
with every glance into your eyes
I am making love
for the first time without fear
In your eyes
I see you look past the flaws
I pick at like lint
For the first time
I make love in love

I feel you
as sure as the ocean laps
at the shore
you wash over me
with all the power found in easy
there isn't any hearts racing
no heavy breathing
it's just you and I
embracing those little children
inside of each of us
Soothing the ache of not enough
and fusing the individuals
This is true alchemy

I feel you
as sure as each tear drop
falls
As sure as I finally feel safe
As sure as I finally feel accepted
through you and into all that is
I lay down all the things inside me
that kept me from my dreams
and I watch you inhale
my courage
We are revealing it
I feel it
We are pulling back the veil
and bowing at the feet
of the mystical third

I feel you
as sure as
this feeling coming over me
not to call your name
or swear by the heavens
this is the feeling I have longed for
since I came from the womb
this is the feeling of oneness
it is the feeling of wholeness
it is the explosion that created life
it is the rush
And I feel it
as I feel you
and you aren't even here

(c) kalonia jennings 11

Open Door

It's dropped again

the temperature of my heart

and I am standing in front of this closed door

Thinking if I have the courage to

open myself to the unknown again

pacing back and forth

pressing my ears to it

thinking I hear someone say

"come in"

I have yet to knock

Back to a comfortable

uncomfortable 

"same ole" degree

I am outgrowing this nest

and the pieces of glass

are making my mind bleed

The four letter word

Love

is like

slivers of acid-laced paper

cutting at my heart

making me have dreams and visions

of something that will 

wither as soon as it's touched

I understand

it's the hallucinations that scare me too

Life's business

funny little triangle'd facades

as unreal as the nothing

with the same affect

the ability to make everything 

be like it never was

the temperature has dropped again

why did I have to remember

life's business

Decision time

my hand is on the handle

if I turn it

my life's business

will mix with the brutality 

of love's longing to be set free

from bondage

If I turn this handle

I will not be the same

and neither will my vision

faith and hope 

are pretty good corrective lens

when you suffer from an astigmatism

of the spirit

Pitch black

and writhing

the sounds from the crack in the door

I could open this door fully but I am afraid

no rules.. means

no rules

And I am a person

who thinks life can't live without rules

I am hurting

and the sounds from behind this door

are saying things I never wanted

to know I knew

I don't want to hear these words

Yet here they are falling over me

like a stuttering child

the door is closed behind me

I don't feel the walls

I can't see the door

I am here

in this place again

The only reason I could 

walk through the open door

and into the dark is

my heart is glowing now

my spirit is calling to it's companions

The wind is howling

but I am apart of this wild

I am in the fire of my initiation

(c) kalonia jennings 11

From the Bottom

Like a hard boiled egg
Dropped countless times
on counters edge
I am cracked all over
my hard shell
now soft to peeling
You don't care
because it's the warmth
you long to consume
And when the warmth is gone
so are you
Well that's until the ground shifts
and opens up under you
Then comes the familiar
lean and I open my arms to you
so you never hit the ground

I never thought looking up
could be so painful
no matter if I am looking up
from that place on the floor
where I fall every time
you are done with my love
so used to my tears
it's less dingy
or if its from looking up into your eyes
while you are inside me
calling out someone else's name
maybe you're calling her name
because you think I'm beautiful, too

Bitterness is building in my heart
every time I look up
Because I should be there already
I should be laying down with you in love
Instead of being the one you lay on
when this world wears on you
I should be the gold in the bottom
of your heart
not the woman as the bottom of your life
But why give yourself to hands
always closed to receive
Why give anything when you know
These arms
my arms
are open
and with your back turned to me
you can fall

Do you trust me that much
Or is it I am faithful
faithful like a chair
you sit your ass on
when you are tired
faithful like the ground you walk upon
is it me that keeps you from rising
or is it you that keeps me from rising
can the ground ever play another role
Why keep falling back into my open arms
when you run from me
like a healed
wild animal
ready to return to its natural habitat

Today you are knocking at my door
Again
After the world has made you it's fool
Now
You are back to make a fool of me
this is not what I had in mind
when I said I wanted to share my life with you
Today the door is going to close
but with you on the other side
standing there with that stupid look on your face

Yes
I'm for real
No
you are not to blame
Yes
I am done with you
No
we can't talk about it

These arms are folded
because they are now holding
the one who really matters
From now on I will be loving myself
from being the bottom
until I'm on top
Test them if you want to
Turn from me
and fall if you like
but you will be looking up from the bottom
while I walk over you
and across the threshold of my new life

(c) kalonia jennings 11

With Me (Who Knows)

Touch
What does it mean when
I can feel you all day long
In my mind
I can over and over
share in the essence of your being
I know the in's and out's of it
the you that lives in me
I cannot help but to touch you
Doesn't that count

What is space
but the truth that
We are never apart
The expanse of space
shares our being
Particles and atoms
dust and daisies
they share us
So why can't we see
Why can't we see we are already
in the same space

I could fly a million miles
drive a hundred more
and walk 5 to be in your arms
And when I am there
I could cleave to you
as it is written
But I wouldn't be
any closer to you than I am now
So why this pit in my stomach
Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place
Who's on first

With me
songs could take flight in you
With you
I could dance that dance
And we could, you know
We could
Be the kind of being
made stronger
because it's two
So why do my words
forget how to speak
what my heart wants to say
Why does my mind
laugh at my heart
It wants the same thing


Whose to say I am right
you could be a flimsy limb
I have chosen to walk upon
Or that rope that goes flaccid
in a game of tug-of-war
and we both fall

But why waste my deeper feelings
on things I don't want to be
I want to belong in love
I want to have a home there
to rest my head on it's shoulder
Could I do that with you

Who knows
I just know
with me
intimate waters run deep
Would you like a drink

(c) kalonia jennings 11

Cause I Love

There is a way away from the byways and paths. I want to go there. I no longer want to travel in plain sight. People have way too much to say about what they do not have the courage to do. I want to live out loud. I want to shout love from the secret places in me. I want to make this whisper inside me, scream. I want to scream your name. and make love til the silver shows in candles, til they become naked.

Silly fools turning love into rituals and rules. Love is raw. Love is the smell in the wild. It's moist and real. Like the musk found between a woman's legs. Love is wild. Why do you try to cage it? Such fools! So afraid of the rushing , roaring sound of waterfalls that you die of thirst. Forget about the manicured ways of this world.. and churn mud with your bodies. Take your souls and release them to the nameless void. Then allow them to sink back into your flesh, bloody and well fed. Stop treating Love as if it's tame.. You will be eaten alive! Why do you think they say love hurts? 

Because I love from the bottom of the deepest part of me, I am considered soft and weak. But it takes a special kind of strength to love this hard. Like the pressure of the water at the ocean floor, loving this deep can crush you. Loving this hard will explode all of your dreams, making them float to the surface, for the ones who can never go that far. They consume the pieces in their jealousy of your courage. Shallow-end love was never for me. The constant push and pulling, the feeling of, what I thought was solid ground, slide right from under me. The insidious way it keeps sinking me deeper and making me stand in place. Love is not for the ones who will not dare to hold their breath long past the point of fear. Love allows you to breathe then takes you back down.  

Laugh at me, if you like. Keep looking on me with eyes of confusion and disgust. In spite of you I will keep taking this journey through the thorns. The battle scars I cherish as a reminder that I am a warrior.. in the truest sense, cause I love. 

(c) kalonia jennings 11