The Rush

I feel you
As sure as I know
I can feel
I feel you
There have been
many times
like these
where I have
let you lay your head on my breast
and watched
as you
lick,
suck, and bite at the hardness of my nipples
bringing them together
so unselfishly attending to them at the same time

I can feel you
as sure as I am
sitting here
closing my eyes
I can feel your weight on my chest
and your breath arch its way behind my left ear
you are speaking
but all I can do is feel
I feel strings being drawn up from inside me
and tied to those in you
What are you doing to me

I feel you
as sure as I am
of the throbbing
that is subsiding
with every glance into your eyes
I am making love
for the first time without fear
In your eyes
I see you look past the flaws
I pick at like lint
For the first time
I make love in love

I feel you
as sure as the ocean laps
at the shore
you wash over me
with all the power found in easy
there isn't any hearts racing
no heavy breathing
it's just you and I
embracing those little children
inside of each of us
Soothing the ache of not enough
and fusing the individuals
This is true alchemy

I feel you
as sure as each tear drop
falls
As sure as I finally feel safe
As sure as I finally feel accepted
through you and into all that is
I lay down all the things inside me
that kept me from my dreams
and I watch you inhale
my courage
We are revealing it
I feel it
We are pulling back the veil
and bowing at the feet
of the mystical third

I feel you
as sure as
this feeling coming over me
not to call your name
or swear by the heavens
this is the feeling I have longed for
since I came from the womb
this is the feeling of oneness
it is the feeling of wholeness
it is the explosion that created life
it is the rush
And I feel it
as I feel you
and you aren't even here

(c) kalonia jennings 11

Open Door

It's dropped again

the temperature of my heart

and I am standing in front of this closed door

Thinking if I have the courage to

open myself to the unknown again

pacing back and forth

pressing my ears to it

thinking I hear someone say

"come in"

I have yet to knock

Back to a comfortable

uncomfortable 

"same ole" degree

I am outgrowing this nest

and the pieces of glass

are making my mind bleed

The four letter word

Love

is like

slivers of acid-laced paper

cutting at my heart

making me have dreams and visions

of something that will 

wither as soon as it's touched

I understand

it's the hallucinations that scare me too

Life's business

funny little triangle'd facades

as unreal as the nothing

with the same affect

the ability to make everything 

be like it never was

the temperature has dropped again

why did I have to remember

life's business

Decision time

my hand is on the handle

if I turn it

my life's business

will mix with the brutality 

of love's longing to be set free

from bondage

If I turn this handle

I will not be the same

and neither will my vision

faith and hope 

are pretty good corrective lens

when you suffer from an astigmatism

of the spirit

Pitch black

and writhing

the sounds from the crack in the door

I could open this door fully but I am afraid

no rules.. means

no rules

And I am a person

who thinks life can't live without rules

I am hurting

and the sounds from behind this door

are saying things I never wanted

to know I knew

I don't want to hear these words

Yet here they are falling over me

like a stuttering child

the door is closed behind me

I don't feel the walls

I can't see the door

I am here

in this place again

The only reason I could 

walk through the open door

and into the dark is

my heart is glowing now

my spirit is calling to it's companions

The wind is howling

but I am apart of this wild

I am in the fire of my initiation

(c) kalonia jennings 11

From the Bottom

Like a hard boiled egg
Dropped countless times
on counters edge
I am cracked all over
my hard shell
now soft to peeling
You don't care
because it's the warmth
you long to consume
And when the warmth is gone
so are you
Well that's until the ground shifts
and opens up under you
Then comes the familiar
lean and I open my arms to you
so you never hit the ground

I never thought looking up
could be so painful
no matter if I am looking up
from that place on the floor
where I fall every time
you are done with my love
so used to my tears
it's less dingy
or if its from looking up into your eyes
while you are inside me
calling out someone else's name
maybe you're calling her name
because you think I'm beautiful, too

Bitterness is building in my heart
every time I look up
Because I should be there already
I should be laying down with you in love
Instead of being the one you lay on
when this world wears on you
I should be the gold in the bottom
of your heart
not the woman as the bottom of your life
But why give yourself to hands
always closed to receive
Why give anything when you know
These arms
my arms
are open
and with your back turned to me
you can fall

Do you trust me that much
Or is it I am faithful
faithful like a chair
you sit your ass on
when you are tired
faithful like the ground you walk upon
is it me that keeps you from rising
or is it you that keeps me from rising
can the ground ever play another role
Why keep falling back into my open arms
when you run from me
like a healed
wild animal
ready to return to its natural habitat

Today you are knocking at my door
Again
After the world has made you it's fool
Now
You are back to make a fool of me
this is not what I had in mind
when I said I wanted to share my life with you
Today the door is going to close
but with you on the other side
standing there with that stupid look on your face

Yes
I'm for real
No
you are not to blame
Yes
I am done with you
No
we can't talk about it

These arms are folded
because they are now holding
the one who really matters
From now on I will be loving myself
from being the bottom
until I'm on top
Test them if you want to
Turn from me
and fall if you like
but you will be looking up from the bottom
while I walk over you
and across the threshold of my new life

(c) kalonia jennings 11

With Me (Who Knows)

Touch
What does it mean when
I can feel you all day long
In my mind
I can over and over
share in the essence of your being
I know the in's and out's of it
the you that lives in me
I cannot help but to touch you
Doesn't that count

What is space
but the truth that
We are never apart
The expanse of space
shares our being
Particles and atoms
dust and daisies
they share us
So why can't we see
Why can't we see we are already
in the same space

I could fly a million miles
drive a hundred more
and walk 5 to be in your arms
And when I am there
I could cleave to you
as it is written
But I wouldn't be
any closer to you than I am now
So why this pit in my stomach
Maybe I'm looking in the wrong place
Who's on first

With me
songs could take flight in you
With you
I could dance that dance
And we could, you know
We could
Be the kind of being
made stronger
because it's two
So why do my words
forget how to speak
what my heart wants to say
Why does my mind
laugh at my heart
It wants the same thing


Whose to say I am right
you could be a flimsy limb
I have chosen to walk upon
Or that rope that goes flaccid
in a game of tug-of-war
and we both fall

But why waste my deeper feelings
on things I don't want to be
I want to belong in love
I want to have a home there
to rest my head on it's shoulder
Could I do that with you

Who knows
I just know
with me
intimate waters run deep
Would you like a drink

(c) kalonia jennings 11

Cause I Love

There is a way away from the byways and paths. I want to go there. I no longer want to travel in plain sight. People have way too much to say about what they do not have the courage to do. I want to live out loud. I want to shout love from the secret places in me. I want to make this whisper inside me, scream. I want to scream your name. and make love til the silver shows in candles, til they become naked.

Silly fools turning love into rituals and rules. Love is raw. Love is the smell in the wild. It's moist and real. Like the musk found between a woman's legs. Love is wild. Why do you try to cage it? Such fools! So afraid of the rushing , roaring sound of waterfalls that you die of thirst. Forget about the manicured ways of this world.. and churn mud with your bodies. Take your souls and release them to the nameless void. Then allow them to sink back into your flesh, bloody and well fed. Stop treating Love as if it's tame.. You will be eaten alive! Why do you think they say love hurts? 

Because I love from the bottom of the deepest part of me, I am considered soft and weak. But it takes a special kind of strength to love this hard. Like the pressure of the water at the ocean floor, loving this deep can crush you. Loving this hard will explode all of your dreams, making them float to the surface, for the ones who can never go that far. They consume the pieces in their jealousy of your courage. Shallow-end love was never for me. The constant push and pulling, the feeling of, what I thought was solid ground, slide right from under me. The insidious way it keeps sinking me deeper and making me stand in place. Love is not for the ones who will not dare to hold their breath long past the point of fear. Love allows you to breathe then takes you back down.  

Laugh at me, if you like. Keep looking on me with eyes of confusion and disgust. In spite of you I will keep taking this journey through the thorns. The battle scars I cherish as a reminder that I am a warrior.. in the truest sense, cause I love. 

(c) kalonia jennings 11

Once

He protected me once

I know it my not look like it now

With my heart amputated from my cheat 

and sold for pictures of ass shaking woman I will never be

And when that wasn't enough

When more was asked for

my heart was thrown back into my face

with "so what"

It's hard to believe he stood guardian of my heart

If I were any person than me

He would still be here

And I have tried so hard just to get where I was

all to have it snatched back from me

He said he would change my life

Once I was swallowed whole

and held

and wanted

and ....

once

Now, I'm just another one

that has joined the ranks

of stupid 

and available

This itch in my chest has progressed into a thud

like the sound of ripe watermelon

Ripe and ready to consume

I guess that's why he waited so long

So my heart would be ready to consume in his meanness

This would make much more sense

If somehow I'd...

He'd

We'd

But once you turned some roads

your direction is lost forever

and together we turned down separate roads

It's funny 

I'd given myself to empty words

and marionette promises

now the strings are being cut

Am I a real woman now?

Once I had a sentinel of my heart

Who turned into a thief

when he saw he could cash in on my faithfulness to my word

til the wheels fall off

I guess it wouldn't really matter

If you get pushed out of the car

Once I was a woman in progress

With a man supporting the structure

Now I realize 

the only thing supported was him...

I would give anything to go back 

well no, 

I would give anything if peace

would perched at my door

And maybe come in and stay awhile

I would love love with no opposite lying in my bed at night

I would love to stand at the buffet

and get my own plate

Instead of a dish full of scraped plates

I would love to eat a whole sandwich

instead of a sample

I would love to be honored as I am

just once...

just once.

(c) kalonia jennings 11

Are You Serious?

Are you serious right now
Cause I could have sworn
Your lips just moved
and splayed your ignorance

I'm looking at you
And what you call  your swag
is nothing but a false front

I laugh at you
to keep from tearing you apart
Silly..simple self
You don't know you're in danger

I keep my words locked
in a vice behind my teeth
If I let them free
I would inflict damage on you
like an assassin to an artery
I am going for blood
The life blood of the nonsense
you just spewed my why...

I'm the kinda woman
that can take
and carry
and fertilize
a lot of ground with the bs i'm getting

But, I stand here and let you have your say
If I don't some how I know this will be all bad
for you...

My look... incredulous
cause you keep talking
long after my ears have had enough

I gonna walk away now
before I say something
that will mean more than the end of us

There is nothing like having to hear about yourself
after the fact
So I will tell you upfront

Back up off me!
and bypass me with the bull
Cause...
What did you say
AHW nah you didn't
And I hate to wear ghetto like fashion
So, I'ma say it simple English

Are you serious?

(c) kalonia jennings 11

The Simple Things

I digest you
like peaches
whole
ripe
juicy
I see no other way to consume you
you're that wonderful to me
I try to ingest you
but I'm already full
You're plentiful in my world
and I don't even know your name
See, I like the simple things
cotton and patchouli
fresh water
and sunlight with a breeze

I checked you out today
all out
rambling in my head
It's a tease the way
you..
you
...
ooo sorry  got lost in that thought
cause I just love the way
when I call out to you
you are always there
It's addicting

You're simplicity is so hard to understand

sweet kisses
sweet because I laced them with
all the things that I may never get to say
they don't need to be said
You already know

I tried to inter myself in you
thinking it would create an easy button
this is not easy
cause it leaves my insides all out
and loose
and exposed
care for them

I'm lost in you
and you aren't even here
Is this healthy?
Of course it is
because you are the only that is

I twist myself in thoughts
so entwined
I forget
you are a simple thing
I can be dependent on you
and not feel ashamed

Love..
the word crawls up my spine
and sticks in my throat
but you give me a sacred kind
One that has not variations on a theme.
I appreciate that.
Because I want to be hidden in the shadows
of a love that has no "kind"
A love that has no opposite
The love that is you..

ahh! the simple things

(c) kalonia jennings 11

Again

She .. I mean me.. I mean I..
  I tucked the tears behind my eyes all day. Saving them for the wee hours in the morning when they won't mean a thing to anyone, but me. I eased in and out of pain all day. Some how I could not put fire to the thoughts of him... gone. A co-mingling of shame, guilt and fear turned down the bed for me tonight. I just haven't eased next to them, I shiver at the thought of the  cold. But it's okay, tomorrow I'll call Courage to see if it's busy for the night. Memories of the last conversations, and the words that stung me, as much as they did him, ring back and forth. They vary tempos, just so I can get lost in the melody. I hate this song. It reminds me too much of losing.
I try to read to clear the sounds and I don't have enough anger to burn them out. So, I sit here and write about... you.
 No, no not you... you really weren't a true muse for me. I'm talking to him...sitting back there in the corner of my dreams... with tenderness in his eyes and encouragement dripping from his lips. 
 I have meet him before...many .. many times... And I was so confused back then I ran away, or I turned away, or I...I just away-ed. Cause I was trained to look from the eyes of another.. I had never really used my own eyes before to recognize the hart of the one who would bind me in his spirit. I never developed a visual belief of your reality... Not until I reviewed my legacy of lunacy and saw that I met him... I mean you...  several times in my life.. 
You always stood out to me. We always had long talks about anything because we were one. It amazed us how we saw the same with different eyes. Then here he would come.. No, no baby not you.. Him.. The one who would capture my eyes, but when we spoke was shallow to my ears. But, I listened to him anyway.. and I walked with you and him for awhile and then I would absorb myself in his world.. Until the faithful day I realized he... wasn't you....
Then the tearing and the ripping would begin, to clear out all the trash, and lessons stored up. A horded life I had with him.. A soul full of empty... 
   For awhile I would walk alone, build up my strength, lose some weight, write some words.. ( words about you).. and I would walk in my life with expectations of what I would be like when you would come. Asking myself am I ready.. am I whole enough, wise enough, me enough to walk by your side? Cause I have to be, I have to be an extraordinary woman to be partner to you..
 And then he would show up again, right when I thought I learned enough, cleared enough... take out one evil spirit and if you don't shut the door seven more will come in.. Well, I forced my circle into his hexagon, and then you showed up... Damn!
 See, I kept thinking YOU were the false prophet come to speak of what you could not give. Until I realized, I have been reading the wrong book. We match, I feel safe with you.. Not because of your grand gestures, but because you're simple.. like wild daisies in a field. And your're real, like imagination...      Maybe tomorrow I will fill myself up with you, and slather you in my skin like lotion and... No, wait!... I don't have to do that with you.. Tomorrow I will show up in my hart, and I will fill myself with love and call to you... Tomorrow I will meet you in the ethers. And you will embrace me and I will touch your  spirit so that it tingles in your flesh. I will kiss you and you will relish the light of my being mixed yours.  Here in this place I have you without possessing you.. Here in this place we are never too busy, always alone, and completely true... I will join you here as often as you call to me, as often as I feel your presence show up in my day... A twinkle in the eyes of a child, a song that wakes me from sleep and stays with me, a breeze that envelopes me, and holds me tight... I'll know is you. 
 Each moment like this, each moment we step into our world brings us through each other. Taking us from one moment to the next. Until the final moment when, I say " Hi" and you smile... and you say... Well, I don't know what you'll say.. but with it will be a chorus of spirits singing my love from your lips... And in that first moment of seeing you, I will know I can say.. "It's so good to be finally seeing you... again."


(c) kalonia jennings 11

The Me of I....

She's staring at me

and I laugh

because she doesn't know who I am 

But she's looking at me as if I should be afraid

Afraid of the monster she is holding inside her 

Her face contorts into 

images of hate and hostility

and I laugh

because she doesn't know 

I know the truth
 The monster is seeing me

And is seeking its release

Her looks of surprise and consternation

as I never turn my eyes away

yet she

she can't seem to look me in the eyes at all

She just looks on me

Hoping I will turn away

from the seething thickness

of her confusion that rises up 

and collects in tears 

she will not allow to fall

But I see them

each tender drop 

drawing all her hurt and fears 

into coagulated maliced-filled capsules

 she's desperately trying to cover them
in her twisted cloak of understanding 

But she will not let them fall 

because she thinks they will scare her

in her self inflicted shame and guilt

But I know they would cover her in beauty

If she'd ever let them go

She's grinding her mind 

trying to figure out how to recover from the 

seeming ugliness she knows I see

She can't touch me..

Yet she thinks she is affecting me

She thinks she's hurting me

and so she runs

at least in her mind

she tries to keep those 

evil thoughts at bay

through her silence

My poor little me

Fighting the battle 

to come up from the darkness

of the evil in herself

My poor little me

thinking if she can keep this

from my eyes 

 it will disappear

If I were me

I would love that hate-filled,

 hunched-backed, 

deformed

malevolent 

being she locks away in her kindness

But I am not

My poor little me

not remembering she not the window

but the light pouring through

If only she could 

in this 

the most malformed of herself

understand what it means to see me

She would know it's all for service

It's all for peace

It's all for glory

That her twisted existence be

She keeps staring at me

and the monster within her keeps

snarling, and wreathing in pain

not knowing who I am

she will not reach for me 

she cannot ask me for help

But I know her heart

I know her mind

She is aching to release

the monster in love

She is seeking to be free of its presence

A presence which keeps her divided

I see her looking

Looking towards the hell she's in 

and back to me

She knows I am not from her world

She knows 

 in my eyes 

there is Love

Love she thinks she cannot have

Love she thinks she cannot give

The Love she thinks she cannot be

My poor little me

If only she would listen 

to what her eyes can see

she would hear herself saying 

there is not a her and I

the one I am starting at

she is the I of me

(c) kalonia jennings 11

The Thin and the Thick of It

We said that we'd be thick as thieves
but what I didn't know was
that you would steal my understanding
and leave only the anger to hang out with

When we'd try for better or worse
I never thought that worse would be coming out of me..
At this time in my life
My light should be shining
Iridescent
and bright
But it's a split between dirty water
and shit....
Huph!
Who would have known
That there was destruction in my tongue
 and meanness in my lips

I thought I would never allow myself
My Self to fall this low...
I thought I would never let myself go backward
Yet I am in full reverse...


The beauty that was mine
is as ugly as the wickedness of the witch
and just as malicious

In my hands I could rip skin from muscle
In my hands
Love has become ashes..

You said that you wanted all of me...
And I thought that meant
the me built up
and wonderful
but you wanted me base and low
Like in the land you live

Well now I'm here
And you look at me in question

You said thick as thieves
Now, I'm going to steal the thing you wanted
and you don't even know what that is!
(c) kalonia jennings 11

Enable Me... Oh My Lord...

Enable me

Oh my Lord..

To be those things I long to be

To do those things I long to do

To say those things I long to say..

Because I realize those longings are You

Releasing your power

and presence through me.

Today, I reflect on being En Abled (I'll have to ask my Latin major for the etymology). But that's is what I ask on this palm Sunday. I asked to be enabled to hear, to see, to think, to act, in the ways of Spirit. Not to "try" and be, not to "go" and get, not to ask to "receive" it... because it has always been within. I ask that "i" am moved out of it's way. So, that everyday fresh, filling, clean manna it released from me to the creation so loving made. I ask to be enabled, because it is the only prayer that makes sense to me. My needs are known, and answered before they are formed in my brain and coalesce into a thought. My need is only my need because it has already been filled to spilling over and I must let it go in order to receive it. Like a seed must die to enable the tree to grow. I must allow the seed of "i" to die. So the magnificent Spirit of all life can have it's way within me and outside of me. ...To grow me, fruit and flower me.. so make me .. and this life I have been given.. the value that it has within it with which it was given.... that precious and full life that is Spirit itself. Living and breathing "me".

I asked to be enabled to have the eyes to see my Lord all around me, especially in his children.. and completely in his children I feel are separate from me. So, that I am forever mindful of the One. And the goodness of that One that pours forth with the power of creation. that heals all, calls all, is all. and that power is Love. not the flimsy thing we call the bonds we attempt to make out of our fears of not being enough, having enough... but the real Love that has NO OPPOSITE.. the love that makes the bonds between atoms and the bond that urges connection between lovers, friends and families. I call on that Love within me.. to open me.. release me from blindness... to catapult me into the full understanding of Being. Not self-important knowledge that can be told with incomplete ideas... but with groaning of my heart that even 'i" cannot understand.. but You are the perfect translator of my intent.. and will make sure all who need to hear.. hear and all who need to see.. see.

I have the energy today to complete the tasks you have blessed me with.. I ask to be enabled to keep it. keep it high.. not to become "productive" for my own sake.. but to be the finished vessel for your energy to work in the lives of others. I am asking to be enabled to unleash my beauty, joy, and love into your creation.. So like the lilies of the valley.... "i" will be living my purpose in You. To be arrayed in the fullness of the spirit You created for me.. To walk, breathe, see from those eyes in the fullness of it's glory. to on longer be a child in spirit and woman in flesh.. but to become a child of the flesh and the graceful, elegant adult of Your Spirit given life as "me". Until the day that "i" can walk in the fullness of Oneness, not recognizing anything other than You.. not even a "me". And in that moment "i" will know that the Spirit is One... Until that day...

I asked to be enabled

Oh my Lord..

to be, live, and love

what you created me be....

Next to Me

I called him

and asked the question

" Who should stand beside me?"

His authority in my life is

he is me

He is the me that

I have not allowed out

When I asked

He was silent

And he allowed me to wallow in it

Cause he knows why I ask

He is me

I sit in silence

and wait

for an answer

a sign

and spit ball

anything that will

tell me

what I need to know

I know he will answer

because he is me

He is the breath of me

the life of me

and he never leaves me nor...

"what was that?

"...."

"oh!"

"Well I guess that explains it all"

I called him and asked

"Who is to stand beside me?"

and the answer I received was

nearer my breath than breathing

It was hanging over my head

waiting to anoint me

The answer was right there next to me..

And I still don't have the heart to see it.

the first of many...

 Of course when you start anything worthwhile the guts twists and the mind speaks.. " and who in the hell do you think you are to..." Yet here I am taking another long walk into the dark night..

Here is a topic that seems to be hitting my mind almost constantly..it's to the point that it is touching my spirit when I look around me and see so many other communites cooperating, moving ahead yet there is one that seems to be standing still to the point where it seems to be moving backwards..

What is the state of black America?

 My thoughts keep going to "lost" and I don't yet know how to develop the thought beyond that... lost in a kind of void that I feel so sad to think we will not come out of

 My fear 

 My fear is that there seems to be a comfort in being lost. A comfort no one really wants to relieve themselves of. A lost  so profound that it stops one from trying to find the on-ramp home. So busy with the sights in and around "lost" there is no concern getting passed surviving. Like being stuck at 17 or that strange time between 18 and 21... the numbers aren't really the issue so much as the mind state. (Comfortable being cared for but chaffing under authority). My fear is "lost" will become "found" like "bad" became "good".

My hope

My hope is that a click happens within this community that will wake it up from it's 40 year slumber and get out of this rebellious teenager-esk existence. This is a people that has forgotten the gift in turning within. and for all the religious posing as forgotten how to hear the small voice within.. ( and I mean this as a group and individually). There seems to be this belief that someone is going to someday come and fix all of our problems.. Some leader, or some part of government, and there never is a thought given to the individual turning within.It feels like there is this thought that there is a savior that is going to save us from ourselves. And the only way saviors have worked is by showing self first. I fear, if one such person did come along the words would be beaten out of them like a child for even mentioning the thought "Everything starts with YOU." ...Lost

My greatest fear...

A people will be the cause of their own extinction, simply because there was a refusal to go within, because survival became the way of being.. and making it into the void between levels could never be touched let alone surpassed...

My greatest hope..

A people (as the current bane of most of the world) take their place as ...as...

Well I don't even know yet, I have been trying o search it out in my own heart, but I know when.. I said WHEN it happens it will be like the planets aligning. As an off-shut of "primitive" people, there is an opportunity here for helping the whole world heal. Again, how? The only thing I can say is by opening all the shut doors within self, but there is more to it than that. It is something, for which, I don't have the words just feeling deep feeling.

What does all this mean? It means, I had a thought and that thought has not in the least been given the light that I would like it to because I am afraid.. afraid that I am being bold enough to even think I could have a thought.. afraid that I don't/ can't explain myself well enoguh for it to matter..afraid that everything I have to say WILL matter and it dies inside me.. afraid of what you may think and what you may say.. So, the "fraids" are in the way. And the message is getting lost as I type. But rest assured this will not be the last, and this will probably be the worst. But as I fully know.. and baby falls many times before it runs.. 

Take this as my first day of standing on my own..and encourage me forward. Because I promise, when I get to running you will be so very proud and so very touched..

This is the first of many...