Once

He protected me once

I know it my not look like it now

With my heart amputated from my cheat 

and sold for pictures of ass shaking woman I will never be

And when that wasn't enough

When more was asked for

my heart was thrown back into my face

with "so what"

It's hard to believe he stood guardian of my heart

If I were any person than me

He would still be here

And I have tried so hard just to get where I was

all to have it snatched back from me

He said he would change my life

Once I was swallowed whole

and held

and wanted

and ....

once

Now, I'm just another one

that has joined the ranks

of stupid 

and available

This itch in my chest has progressed into a thud

like the sound of ripe watermelon

Ripe and ready to consume

I guess that's why he waited so long

So my heart would be ready to consume in his meanness

This would make much more sense

If somehow I'd...

He'd

We'd

But once you turned some roads

your direction is lost forever

and together we turned down separate roads

It's funny 

I'd given myself to empty words

and marionette promises

now the strings are being cut

Am I a real woman now?

Once I had a sentinel of my heart

Who turned into a thief

when he saw he could cash in on my faithfulness to my word

til the wheels fall off

I guess it wouldn't really matter

If you get pushed out of the car

Once I was a woman in progress

With a man supporting the structure

Now I realize 

the only thing supported was him...

I would give anything to go back 

well no, 

I would give anything if peace

would perched at my door

And maybe come in and stay awhile

I would love love with no opposite lying in my bed at night

I would love to stand at the buffet

and get my own plate

Instead of a dish full of scraped plates

I would love to eat a whole sandwich

instead of a sample

I would love to be honored as I am

just once...

just once.

(c) kalonia jennings 11

Are You Serious?

Are you serious right now
Cause I could have sworn
Your lips just moved
and splayed your ignorance

I'm looking at you
And what you call  your swag
is nothing but a false front

I laugh at you
to keep from tearing you apart
Silly..simple self
You don't know you're in danger

I keep my words locked
in a vice behind my teeth
If I let them free
I would inflict damage on you
like an assassin to an artery
I am going for blood
The life blood of the nonsense
you just spewed my why...

I'm the kinda woman
that can take
and carry
and fertilize
a lot of ground with the bs i'm getting

But, I stand here and let you have your say
If I don't some how I know this will be all bad
for you...

My look... incredulous
cause you keep talking
long after my ears have had enough

I gonna walk away now
before I say something
that will mean more than the end of us

There is nothing like having to hear about yourself
after the fact
So I will tell you upfront

Back up off me!
and bypass me with the bull
Cause...
What did you say
AHW nah you didn't
And I hate to wear ghetto like fashion
So, I'ma say it simple English

Are you serious?

(c) kalonia jennings 11

The Simple Things

I digest you
like peaches
whole
ripe
juicy
I see no other way to consume you
you're that wonderful to me
I try to ingest you
but I'm already full
You're plentiful in my world
and I don't even know your name
See, I like the simple things
cotton and patchouli
fresh water
and sunlight with a breeze

I checked you out today
all out
rambling in my head
It's a tease the way
you..
you
...
ooo sorry  got lost in that thought
cause I just love the way
when I call out to you
you are always there
It's addicting

You're simplicity is so hard to understand

sweet kisses
sweet because I laced them with
all the things that I may never get to say
they don't need to be said
You already know

I tried to inter myself in you
thinking it would create an easy button
this is not easy
cause it leaves my insides all out
and loose
and exposed
care for them

I'm lost in you
and you aren't even here
Is this healthy?
Of course it is
because you are the only that is

I twist myself in thoughts
so entwined
I forget
you are a simple thing
I can be dependent on you
and not feel ashamed

Love..
the word crawls up my spine
and sticks in my throat
but you give me a sacred kind
One that has not variations on a theme.
I appreciate that.
Because I want to be hidden in the shadows
of a love that has no "kind"
A love that has no opposite
The love that is you..

ahh! the simple things

(c) kalonia jennings 11

Again

She .. I mean me.. I mean I..
  I tucked the tears behind my eyes all day. Saving them for the wee hours in the morning when they won't mean a thing to anyone, but me. I eased in and out of pain all day. Some how I could not put fire to the thoughts of him... gone. A co-mingling of shame, guilt and fear turned down the bed for me tonight. I just haven't eased next to them, I shiver at the thought of the  cold. But it's okay, tomorrow I'll call Courage to see if it's busy for the night. Memories of the last conversations, and the words that stung me, as much as they did him, ring back and forth. They vary tempos, just so I can get lost in the melody. I hate this song. It reminds me too much of losing.
I try to read to clear the sounds and I don't have enough anger to burn them out. So, I sit here and write about... you.
 No, no not you... you really weren't a true muse for me. I'm talking to him...sitting back there in the corner of my dreams... with tenderness in his eyes and encouragement dripping from his lips. 
 I have meet him before...many .. many times... And I was so confused back then I ran away, or I turned away, or I...I just away-ed. Cause I was trained to look from the eyes of another.. I had never really used my own eyes before to recognize the hart of the one who would bind me in his spirit. I never developed a visual belief of your reality... Not until I reviewed my legacy of lunacy and saw that I met him... I mean you...  several times in my life.. 
You always stood out to me. We always had long talks about anything because we were one. It amazed us how we saw the same with different eyes. Then here he would come.. No, no baby not you.. Him.. The one who would capture my eyes, but when we spoke was shallow to my ears. But, I listened to him anyway.. and I walked with you and him for awhile and then I would absorb myself in his world.. Until the faithful day I realized he... wasn't you....
Then the tearing and the ripping would begin, to clear out all the trash, and lessons stored up. A horded life I had with him.. A soul full of empty... 
   For awhile I would walk alone, build up my strength, lose some weight, write some words.. ( words about you).. and I would walk in my life with expectations of what I would be like when you would come. Asking myself am I ready.. am I whole enough, wise enough, me enough to walk by your side? Cause I have to be, I have to be an extraordinary woman to be partner to you..
 And then he would show up again, right when I thought I learned enough, cleared enough... take out one evil spirit and if you don't shut the door seven more will come in.. Well, I forced my circle into his hexagon, and then you showed up... Damn!
 See, I kept thinking YOU were the false prophet come to speak of what you could not give. Until I realized, I have been reading the wrong book. We match, I feel safe with you.. Not because of your grand gestures, but because you're simple.. like wild daisies in a field. And your're real, like imagination...      Maybe tomorrow I will fill myself up with you, and slather you in my skin like lotion and... No, wait!... I don't have to do that with you.. Tomorrow I will show up in my hart, and I will fill myself with love and call to you... Tomorrow I will meet you in the ethers. And you will embrace me and I will touch your  spirit so that it tingles in your flesh. I will kiss you and you will relish the light of my being mixed yours.  Here in this place I have you without possessing you.. Here in this place we are never too busy, always alone, and completely true... I will join you here as often as you call to me, as often as I feel your presence show up in my day... A twinkle in the eyes of a child, a song that wakes me from sleep and stays with me, a breeze that envelopes me, and holds me tight... I'll know is you. 
 Each moment like this, each moment we step into our world brings us through each other. Taking us from one moment to the next. Until the final moment when, I say " Hi" and you smile... and you say... Well, I don't know what you'll say.. but with it will be a chorus of spirits singing my love from your lips... And in that first moment of seeing you, I will know I can say.. "It's so good to be finally seeing you... again."


(c) kalonia jennings 11

The Me of I....

She's staring at me

and I laugh

because she doesn't know who I am 

But she's looking at me as if I should be afraid

Afraid of the monster she is holding inside her 

Her face contorts into 

images of hate and hostility

and I laugh

because she doesn't know 

I know the truth
 The monster is seeing me

And is seeking its release

Her looks of surprise and consternation

as I never turn my eyes away

yet she

she can't seem to look me in the eyes at all

She just looks on me

Hoping I will turn away

from the seething thickness

of her confusion that rises up 

and collects in tears 

she will not allow to fall

But I see them

each tender drop 

drawing all her hurt and fears 

into coagulated maliced-filled capsules

 she's desperately trying to cover them
in her twisted cloak of understanding 

But she will not let them fall 

because she thinks they will scare her

in her self inflicted shame and guilt

But I know they would cover her in beauty

If she'd ever let them go

She's grinding her mind 

trying to figure out how to recover from the 

seeming ugliness she knows I see

She can't touch me..

Yet she thinks she is affecting me

She thinks she's hurting me

and so she runs

at least in her mind

she tries to keep those 

evil thoughts at bay

through her silence

My poor little me

Fighting the battle 

to come up from the darkness

of the evil in herself

My poor little me

thinking if she can keep this

from my eyes 

 it will disappear

If I were me

I would love that hate-filled,

 hunched-backed, 

deformed

malevolent 

being she locks away in her kindness

But I am not

My poor little me

not remembering she not the window

but the light pouring through

If only she could 

in this 

the most malformed of herself

understand what it means to see me

She would know it's all for service

It's all for peace

It's all for glory

That her twisted existence be

She keeps staring at me

and the monster within her keeps

snarling, and wreathing in pain

not knowing who I am

she will not reach for me 

she cannot ask me for help

But I know her heart

I know her mind

She is aching to release

the monster in love

She is seeking to be free of its presence

A presence which keeps her divided

I see her looking

Looking towards the hell she's in 

and back to me

She knows I am not from her world

She knows 

 in my eyes 

there is Love

Love she thinks she cannot have

Love she thinks she cannot give

The Love she thinks she cannot be

My poor little me

If only she would listen 

to what her eyes can see

she would hear herself saying 

there is not a her and I

the one I am starting at

she is the I of me

(c) kalonia jennings 11

The Thin and the Thick of It

We said that we'd be thick as thieves
but what I didn't know was
that you would steal my understanding
and leave only the anger to hang out with

When we'd try for better or worse
I never thought that worse would be coming out of me..
At this time in my life
My light should be shining
Iridescent
and bright
But it's a split between dirty water
and shit....
Huph!
Who would have known
That there was destruction in my tongue
 and meanness in my lips

I thought I would never allow myself
My Self to fall this low...
I thought I would never let myself go backward
Yet I am in full reverse...


The beauty that was mine
is as ugly as the wickedness of the witch
and just as malicious

In my hands I could rip skin from muscle
In my hands
Love has become ashes..

You said that you wanted all of me...
And I thought that meant
the me built up
and wonderful
but you wanted me base and low
Like in the land you live

Well now I'm here
And you look at me in question

You said thick as thieves
Now, I'm going to steal the thing you wanted
and you don't even know what that is!
(c) kalonia jennings 11