Again

She .. I mean me.. I mean I..
  I tucked the tears behind my eyes all day. Saving them for the wee hours in the morning when they won't mean a thing to anyone, but me. I eased in and out of pain all day. Some how I could not put fire to the thoughts of him... gone. A co-mingling of shame, guilt and fear turned down the bed for me tonight. I just haven't eased next to them, I shiver at the thought of the  cold. But it's okay, tomorrow I'll call Courage to see if it's busy for the night. Memories of the last conversations, and the words that stung me, as much as they did him, ring back and forth. They vary tempos, just so I can get lost in the melody. I hate this song. It reminds me too much of losing.
I try to read to clear the sounds and I don't have enough anger to burn them out. So, I sit here and write about... you.
 No, no not you... you really weren't a true muse for me. I'm talking to him...sitting back there in the corner of my dreams... with tenderness in his eyes and encouragement dripping from his lips. 
 I have meet him before...many .. many times... And I was so confused back then I ran away, or I turned away, or I...I just away-ed. Cause I was trained to look from the eyes of another.. I had never really used my own eyes before to recognize the hart of the one who would bind me in his spirit. I never developed a visual belief of your reality... Not until I reviewed my legacy of lunacy and saw that I met him... I mean you...  several times in my life.. 
You always stood out to me. We always had long talks about anything because we were one. It amazed us how we saw the same with different eyes. Then here he would come.. No, no baby not you.. Him.. The one who would capture my eyes, but when we spoke was shallow to my ears. But, I listened to him anyway.. and I walked with you and him for awhile and then I would absorb myself in his world.. Until the faithful day I realized he... wasn't you....
Then the tearing and the ripping would begin, to clear out all the trash, and lessons stored up. A horded life I had with him.. A soul full of empty... 
   For awhile I would walk alone, build up my strength, lose some weight, write some words.. ( words about you).. and I would walk in my life with expectations of what I would be like when you would come. Asking myself am I ready.. am I whole enough, wise enough, me enough to walk by your side? Cause I have to be, I have to be an extraordinary woman to be partner to you..
 And then he would show up again, right when I thought I learned enough, cleared enough... take out one evil spirit and if you don't shut the door seven more will come in.. Well, I forced my circle into his hexagon, and then you showed up... Damn!
 See, I kept thinking YOU were the false prophet come to speak of what you could not give. Until I realized, I have been reading the wrong book. We match, I feel safe with you.. Not because of your grand gestures, but because you're simple.. like wild daisies in a field. And your're real, like imagination...      Maybe tomorrow I will fill myself up with you, and slather you in my skin like lotion and... No, wait!... I don't have to do that with you.. Tomorrow I will show up in my hart, and I will fill myself with love and call to you... Tomorrow I will meet you in the ethers. And you will embrace me and I will touch your  spirit so that it tingles in your flesh. I will kiss you and you will relish the light of my being mixed yours.  Here in this place I have you without possessing you.. Here in this place we are never too busy, always alone, and completely true... I will join you here as often as you call to me, as often as I feel your presence show up in my day... A twinkle in the eyes of a child, a song that wakes me from sleep and stays with me, a breeze that envelopes me, and holds me tight... I'll know is you. 
 Each moment like this, each moment we step into our world brings us through each other. Taking us from one moment to the next. Until the final moment when, I say " Hi" and you smile... and you say... Well, I don't know what you'll say.. but with it will be a chorus of spirits singing my love from your lips... And in that first moment of seeing you, I will know I can say.. "It's so good to be finally seeing you... again."


(c) kalonia jennings 11