Vacate

They walked in...

And rummaged through my past
looking for reminders of
why I should be afraid
feel foolish to try again
why I should hide

I let them

They laid their evidence on my heart
the memories rose like vapor
I flinched
all the missed takes
the rejection and the abandonment
misunderstandings and misinformation
I folded hands over my heart
how did it endure so much

When they finished
I looked over everything and
there shining on the edges of each memory
was a golden light

I pinched at it
until it was trapped between my fingers
I pulled

When I was done
I offered them the mound of golden lining
with which they tied up the memories
and walked away
never to return

Then he walked in...

Silence

Muffled thoughts speak no thing
Muffled moans speak no pleasure
Muffled screams speak no pain
I can no longer stand it

I want my thoughts to come from my throat like
water from broken hydrants
My moans to escape my chest
untamed
My screams to release my pain like raindrops

Let me take up the room
which belongs to my soul

Let me expand through all frequencies
with the vibrations of my voice

I'm not asking permission

I'm foretelling the future
So you aren't stunned by the sonic booms I leave behind
as I break through the veils

Muffled no more by the timidness stuck behind my breasts
Silence becomes my lover
that makes me manifest as One

Agape

Unknown
you will always have one in you
I don't know
So I serve you
You are a stranger

Close to you
you tell me your heart
and I treasure it
You are my friend

Supported
and protected
I encourage you
You are my brother

From my womb
I will always listen
always be attentive to you
You are my child

Secure in your arms
I honor you
I give you the fullest respect
You are my father

Kisses like honey
my passions flow
embracing you in every way allowed
You are my lover

Manifested
a temple for the glory of creations light
I worship
You are divine

You are my agape love

Déjame en Paz

if open arms mean
choke holds

if silence means
closed for repairs

if speaking wants out loud mean
not for you

déjame en paz

this spirit is too fragile
i'd rather peel the scabs
than have them caressed
against shards of glass

this is the last time
i build stories for
emotional sailors

if i cannot love the ones i want
i will not love

si no me quieres
déjame en paz

Experience

Love is the experience

You can hear it in the voice
of one who is earnest in their love
and faithful in their action

Wrap yourself in it

It's in the trust of children
who watch adults fail
and still believe in them

Look for it

It's in the cold glass of water you drink
and the cool breeze touching you
on a hot day

it's yearning for you
gulp it down
let it saturate you

How a person lights up seeing you
and the way sunbeams gently touch you
even as the sun beams its heat

Know this peace
feel it deeply inside

Love is the experience

A Poem

There was a poem here

it was full of words 

that would've spoke
straight to your heart

but I deleted them

you don't need to know 

I still think about you

Right here is where 

there would've been something 

about what it felt like

to touch you

listen to you

This is the place where

I would've told you how it felt 

to be with someone like you

the miracles and the magic

the butterflies and the anticipation

but I deleted them

Here's where I told
the concocted version of you

because the only you I knew
was the you in my head

birthed by what you didn't say

and the master-ship of my imagination

And the conclusion was

something like a reminder

that when it feels like family -- run

and when you can never know the truth

so chapters close

a poem can be a fitting beginning to the end

 

Take Back

He was my muse
I know I said he was
I guess that's why I can't trust myself anymore
Since I lied
I immortalized an ego in black and white
Gave it verse
Made it real
Shame on me
I'm the reason the tree of good and evil
Will never be felled
I accepted the suggestion of the humbly-conceited
Bit from my own wish to know
What it's like to love illusion
so I loved him
I said he was my muse
And it's a shame
how I wish to rip up the air
To take back those words

Newborn

My skin feels like

all the nerves are poking out 

grated and sprinkled with salt

I thought after awhile

I could keep hiding 

I could keep looking under rocks
thinking I would be there

There is nothing in between 

me and I and you and 

I will not assume I know anymore

I will not assume I know

I will watch bodies turn to ghosts

in the revelation that I do not know

and I no longer wish to pretend I do

I'm leaving control to those better at the reigns

power and kindness are not mutually exclusive

and my nerves feel like thorns
pressed against newborn flesh
and my eyes close to see my savior

Conception

There must have been links
in the spaces of my creation
links which would lead you
to finding me again

There must have been something
in the division of my cells
which allowed my twin
to develop in another body

There must have been something
in your first cry
which made me want to push free
the thought of you not being there
shook my tiny body
so I screamed

Held onto anybodies hand
waiting for yours
gave away kisses
waiting for yours
Let my soul be opened
waiting for yours

There must have been singing across creation
the day I became aware of myself
the moment I looked in your eyes
when conception became reality

Idols

ring the bell
arrange the petals
light the incense
close my eyes
Om

tearing up my soul
looking for it
weeping at my existence
questioning it
walking across
the silver cord that is my life
in ice skates
tempting it to save me Om

I listen to the wind in the trees
have myself anointed with oil
sip green tea
and cover myself in labels
yet it doesn't come

the satisfaction refuses to descend
no matter how hard I rub
how good I act
how much I hide Om

I cut my flesh
to find where it's hiding
it explodes my chest open
with hope of finding it
seeing love with no object
I know it's there
so I

close my eyes
light the incense
arrange the petals
ring the bell
Om

Speak to Me

So receptive to you
everything in me questions
the idea of the duo
we seem to be

I yank on the strings
of my inner being
your voice rings in echo

Harmonies were made
to emulate the staves of your voice
I close my eyes to see
life's spectrum descend
daisies bloom in your shadow

I watch for you
your appearance
like a person who
can see to the heart of mischievous child
alighting it with love

Listening to the walls grow around me
You say
speak to me
my response
your servant listens

Fuzzy

What did you think I would do
treated like diamonds
evaluated like a Pinto
dropped like a piece of molten shit

You thought because
I flexed like clay under warm fingers
you could say anything
and I would swoon
you were right
but being smart is your only strength

Leave depth to the oceans
your plumb-line
is a tack strung with spit
upon which you hung this idea
that you're the only one who knows the game

Punk little sucka
I know
you thought I wouldn't call you
by the names you call yourself
I read braille
let me touch you back

You thought I succumbed
to the weakness you hide
thought the leash was for one
the reason I still feel you is
you're still looking

So bypass me with the flint
you build around yourself
inside
you're like a fuzzy bitch
so
let me touch you back

Of the Earth

Looked at myself this morning
tilted my head forward
to watch the lines form in my eyes
practicing the smile made of silicon

If I peel back the layers
of skin to reveal the fake I feel
I think I would disappear

no matter how long the hair
how crisp the diction
how clear the intention to know myself

there's always inside me
the voice which sings to me of
my failures
my manipulations
my irrevocable choices
I rest

I don't look to my past to blame
or the various cutout faces
pasted together to create mine
I can't blame anything in my birth chart
of the way the galaxies parted
to let me enter life

falling down from nothing
a fireball of light to enter the womb
the wretched of the earth
I could be an angel fallen for my knowledge
I could be an angel fallen for a mission
to be the arch in the cycle of eternity
that leads back to peace